It's been nearly 10 weeks now that Sharon was called Home by the Lord after having experienced increased physical and mental suffering for 3 and one half years. Yesterday I had an epiphany. I realized that it would be selfish of me to want her back in the state that she was in just so I wouldn't be so desperately lonely as I find myself now. She told me, toward the end that "I wish I could have stayed here longer with you!" ...a remark that, as I look back on it, was extremely generous of her to say since she was in so much pain. I realize now that she was being very unselfish to have thought and said that.
My life now is a living hell trying to adapt to the "new normal" and I have all the myriad memories that 43 years, 9 months and 12 days of a God centered marriage can bring to me. I now count her life with me as gift that, like my salvation, is completely unearned. I will never meet in this world another Sharon and yet I know I will see her again in the next. That knowledge is really my only comfort. Now I must "suck it up" and "get a grip" going day by day doing small chores, running errands, etc. and, hopefully, when the grief waves subside, "earn my keep" so to speak by volunteering in the service of others.
I do not know why she was taken and I was left here.
It hurts. It hurts very badly with gut wrenching spasms.
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Gen 2:24 and so the pain is understandable.
But I will now stop being selfish and wish that she were here again as she was the day she departed. To have her back in the state that she left would be cruel and we are not cruel to those we truly love.
No...I will just go on. Counting the blessings that I have, and appreciating the gift from God that she was for me here and the privilege of seeing her again when I am gone to Glory.