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         It's been nearly 10 weeks now that Sharon was called Home by the Lord after having experienced increased physical and mental suffering for 3 and one half years. Yesterday I had an epiphany. I realized that it would be selfish of me to want her back in the state that she was in just so I wouldn't be so desperately lonely as I find myself now.  She told me, toward the end that "I wish I could have stayed here longer with you!" ...a remark that, as I look back on it, was extremely generous of her to say since she was in so much pain.  I realize now that she was being very unselfish to have thought and said that.  

          My life now is a living hell trying to adapt to the "new normal" and I have all the myriad memories that 43 years, 9 months and 12 days of a God centered marriage can bring to me.  I now count her life with me as gift that, like my salvation, is completely unearned.  I will never meet in this world another Sharon and yet I know I will see her again in the next. That knowledge is really my only comfort.  Now I must "suck it up" and "get a grip" going day by day doing small chores, running errands, etc. and, hopefully, when the grief waves subside, "earn my keep" so to speak by volunteering in the service of others.

          I do not know why she was taken and I was left here. 

          It hurts.  It hurts very badly with gut wrenching spasms.

         "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Gen 2:24  and so the pain is understandable.

          But I will now stop being selfish and wish that she were here again as she was the day she departed.  To have her back in the state that she left would be cruel and we are not cruel to those we truly love.

           No...I will just go on. Counting the blessings that I have, and appreciating the gift from God that she was for me here and the privilege of seeing her again when I am gone to Glory.

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Comment by Thankfulheart on April 17, 2018 at 10:02pm

Hi Marty, yes I agree my husband was sick as well  and it is very tough to lose a partner. It get easier as time goes on. I toof feel I’ll never find another husband like I had. But I don’t want the same As I had I want a new person  because I am  a  different person so much better because I know what really matters now. Even more.  God first always he will add what you need. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 26, 2018 at 2:44pm

Bayoured,

For those early out like yourself - its a time of loving memories being recalled - albeit extremely painful - its an acknowledgement of your love & loss in whatever way you are given as well as choose to honor (e.g. - memorials, viewing wedding pictures of home videso, etc). The grief process allows the release of these intense emotions as time goes by - there is no need to force or train one's self to do it - it will come in God's time as your maker. Your faith in God can be your greatest support as it was for me during my grief & continues into the now following the end of my journey ...

I had read long ago, those with religious/spiritual beliefs heal quicker. It doesn't mean non-believers or those that give up or become angry from being tested will never heal. What I found is my faith to be my greatest support by providing strength & clarity on a daily basis - a belief in a power & wisdom far greater than myself in that I would eventually come to understand. My beliefs also kept me sane when the pain was unbearable (after throwing rocks) as well as civil when I was pissy or wanted to lash out at people especially the constant thoughts of using a telephone book to beat down the young man that killed my husband ...  

Blessings ...

"He stepped down, trying not to look at her as if she were the sun, yet he saw her like the sun without looking" ...

- Leo Tolstoy from Anna Karenina ...

Comment by bayoured on March 26, 2018 at 9:01am

How wonderful and heartfelt. I too am early in this journey. I read this morning in Jesus Calling that I have to release my hold on my loved one and place him in God's care. It is hard but I am trying to do that daily. The  ebbs and flow of this thing we call grief will come. The waves will knock us down from time to time. We have to reach out and up to God and others who share this path withy us. We will be there. You don't have to do it alone.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on March 26, 2018 at 6:48am

Marty that is wonderful, and so very hard to do.  When you are feeling low don't forget to come back to this blog and read it again.  It's so early, your emotions will still get the better of you.  Let your own positive thoughts lift you up again.

Counting the blessings you've had and still have will help to keep you from the funk.  But you really must make it a habit to keep in the forethought of your mind.  It's so easy to slip and forget to do that.  But, thankfully you've found us.  The club that understands and is here to remind you to look forward to the blessings you have now, and those that are surely still to reveal themselves. 

May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13 NIV 

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