The flowers from the funeral are just about dead. All of the out of town relatives have left. The food that people brought over is just about gone or ready to be thrown out. The phone doesn't ring that much. Not very many texts coming in. No more sympathy cards in the mail. Tomorrow will be two weeks since my partner of 15 years, John, died of what is assumed to be a massive heart attack. He was already gone by the time I found him. He was 54 years old. The last two weeks have been a blur. I was in shock and numb for most of it. Luckily I wasn't alone at all until 3 days ago. The numbness has faded and has been replaced with a sense of horrible pain and loneliness. I just feel sad. Unfortunately this isn't my first rodeo, I lost my husband in 2003 to stomach cancer. I was 38yrs old at the time. I was beyond inconsolable for many months then. Ironically it was John who helped me move forward. He had lost his spouse earlier in that same year. Our relationship started out as two widowed friends who supported each other. It eventually grew into a fairytale love story. Its good and bad that it's my second time experiencing such a great loss, good because I was able to get to the other side of grief before, I know I can do it again. But bad because I know how lonely and painful the long journey is going to be. I also know that I cannot do it alone. Feels good to put my thoughts into words. I miss you John with all of my heart and soul.
Sending out positive thoughts to those who feel like there's little hope. Things are going to get better even if it doesn't feel like it.