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I have never hate, but I do now. The day my husband died, he took away the love, the innocence, the purity that I have always had with him to heaven. What's left is hatred. I hate God, I hate myself, I hate my life, and I hate everything immensely!

I hate God for His silence to our prayers. My husband was one of those devoted Christian who lived by words of God. He was a good person, a good Christian. He loved, trusted God and had tremendous of faith that God would have mercy on our young family. He knew God would provide and assist during time of trial. He and I planned to be God's living testimonies to proclaim His wonders on curing him. We have even prayed our son will be used by God and will remain as God's loyal servant.

But God did not listen. Damn you. I have decided I will never go back to God, ever! He allowed a young, happy, humble family of three to fall apart. God, I hate you to guts! 

I hate myself because I was the one who killed my husband. How could I possibly not finding his incessant cough was a sign of illness? Before having our baby, any tiny issue of my husband would immediately catch my attention. But my own negligence caused him his life. I was to blame. I killed him. Besides, not getting any answer from God why he would take away my husband so soon, I have done something stupid- I went to seek fortune telling to get the answer. The Chinese fortune telling, "the 8 letters," explained I was the one who killed my husband as the combination of my fate, his fate, the stars' positions and etc. caused my husband to get sick and die. Would I believe in my "8 letters" sign? Yes, because right at the time I was born, our destinies have been predetermined. The "8 letters" uses the time, year, month and date to predict the future. That said, my fate was sealed the time I was born. As stupid as it sounds, not that I was superstitious before, I chose to believe the reading. Before my husband passed, I would laugh it off. After his passing, I can't but to believe the reading of our fortune. God would not be happy about the sin I have chose to commit. But hell to you God. You took my husband away, and I am upset. I want to do whatever I want because YOU have let me down and disappointed.

I hate my life waking up not getting hugs from my sweet husband. I hate not be able to say goodbye when he left for work. I hate not hearing our garage opens around 6:30pm. I hate weekend not having him to plan what to do with our son. I hate at night not having anyone to talk to. I hate now going to bed without his distinctive body odor which has captivated me for the past 15 years. I miss his smile, his gentle voice, his love and care, his extra pair of hands to help me with chores. I simply miss my life with him.

I hate everything. I hate my life. I hate myself. and I hate God most of all!

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 21, 2016 at 4:58pm

I've been there, done that, surrendered to being powerless & put it to rest ...

Some of us go through self recrimination -it happened w/me during my raw period of grief. I had no control over his death even though I thought I should have in thinking myself a goddess. My anger was directed at God, myself, Bob, the man who killed him, everyone & everything. It had to be done to get it out. I'm certain had anyone known about it they probably would've said don't be angry at this or that or him or them -there was no way I would've stopped decompressing to take into consideration who & what was not acceptable to others. In addition, God can take anything you say or scream out -that is what being the almighty means.

I understand your belief in Chinese fortune telling. Your understanding of your reading will evolve to eventually expose its true meaning. We cannot control our fate nor that of anyone else. The synonyms for destiny are fortune, fate, future.

Light some incense after each episode to help calm your nerves ... 


Comment by Hope on March 21, 2016 at 3:07pm

Dear KayeL, my sincere hope is that you will realize that people die...they just die for sometimes no reason. It just happens no matter how good, bad a person is. I don't believe in a God that reaches down and says I'll take this person or that person today. That would be cruel. I think there are so many factors that contribute to or take away from our health. I sometimes make people laugh when I say I think my husband died from eating so many barbecued ribs. There is no real answer. It just is. May you find peace in the days ahead. I too wanted to die. I hated my life. Now I realize its not so much I want to die as I don't know how yet to live without him. At 8 months I am still crying but I am learning to live with a little bit of peace. You did NOT kill your husband! Be kind to yourself

Comment by deaf widow on March 21, 2016 at 2:45pm

Please do not hate or blame yourself, KayeL, 'cause this is not your fault.  You probably thought he had an allergy, didn't you?  What you are feeling right now is grief and depression over loosing the love of your life.  We have all been there. (I'm still going through it). There will be be lots of emotions with the up & down days.  I'm sending you HUGS! are NOT alone!

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