A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Three years ago this journey of widowhood presented itself in my life. I ignored the journey for two years. I ran from it, I hid from it, I refused to acknowledge it. I mean I couldnt be a widow. I had a 16 year old daughter at home. I was only 46 years old. My parents were still alive. Widows are old people who wear black for the rest of their lives, they sit in corners of the living room at family functions, they are only acknowledged in quiet whispers " Thats Ethel, shes a widow" , dont bother her. Widows/ers are sad and lonely for the rest of their lives. They dont laugh or dance or smile. They only see the negative side of things. They have no hope or dreams left.
After two years I became tired, very tired. Tired of running and hiding. Tired of pretending. Tired of being someone that wasn't me.
I have taken the last year to finally acknowledge the overwhelming grief I kept at bay. I have cried and cried some more. I have thrown things and smashed things. I have found myself so tired and unmotivated that I had pajama weeks instead of an occasional pajama day. I spent the most part of the last year on my fat ass on the couch doing absolutely nothing but eating and smoking. I became so depressed that I couldnt get out the door. I had my groceries delivered , I hired people to pick up the dog poop in the yard, and worst of all I used my daughter as a go-get girl. I had bursts of energy here and there, enough. to meet other widow/ers for lunch. But I blew off all other invitations. I cloaked myself in my grief. I still pasted the smile on my face when needed and relied on my dark and sarcastic sense of humor to get me through when it was absolutely necessary. I became very negative and impatient.
At some point though and I am not sure when it happened, I started getting dressed. I started leaving my house. I stopped relying on others to do for me. I started to be the person I wanted to be. Not the one who ran away, not the one who was drowning, but the one I really wanted to be. As I started shedding the layers of grief I started adding layers of energy and happiness and hope. I started understanding that I am still a whole person. My heart is damaged but not so much so that I cant ride this roller coaster of life. Not so damaged that I cant find the positives in my life. And positives I have been finding. I have gone back to work to a job I love. My daughter is healthy. My dogs, well they are still a pain in the ass, but they are beautiful and funny. I have found a way to turn the irritating negatives into positives, stuck in line at the store - hey I can read the National Enquirer, stuck in traffic - hey I can crank the music and sing along really loud and very badly and who cares? Got stung by bees - hey I learned a new way to take the sting out (thanks FredX).
I have to admit though, that the only negative I am finding lately is I am scaring myself. I mean I am becoming a bird chirping, rainbow finding, bells ringing POSITIVELY ANNOYING person.
And thats ok.