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Annoyingly Positive
Three years ago this journey of widowhood presented itself in my life. I ignored the journey for two years. I ran from it, I hid from it, I refused to acknowledge it. I mean I couldnt be a widow. I had a 16 year old daughter at home. I was only 46 years old. My parents were still alive. Widows are old people who wear black for the rest of their lives, they sit in corners of the living room at family functions, they are only acknowledged in quiet whispers " Thats Ethel, shes a widow" , dont bother her. Widows/ers are sad and lonely for the rest of their lives. They dont laugh or dance or smile. They only see the negative side of things. They have no hope or dreams left.
After two years I became tired, very tired. Tired of running and hiding. Tired of pretending. Tired of being someone that wasn't me.
I have taken the last year to finally acknowledge the overwhelming grief I kept at bay. I have cried and cried some more. I have thrown things and smashed things. I have found myself so tired and unmotivated that I had pajama weeks instead of an occasional pajama day. I spent the most part of the last year on my fat ass on the couch doing absolutely nothing but eating and smoking. I became so depressed that I couldnt get out the door. I had my groceries delivered , I hired people to pick up the dog poop in the yard, and worst of all I used my daughter as a go-get girl. I had bursts of energy here and there, enough. to meet other widow/ers for lunch. But I blew off all other invitations. I cloaked myself in my grief. I still pasted the smile on my face when needed and relied on my dark and sarcastic sense of humor to get me through when it was absolutely necessary. I became very negative and impatient.
At some point though and I am not sure when it happened, I started getting dressed. I started leaving my house. I stopped relying on others to do for me. I started to be the person I wanted to be. Not the one who ran away, not the one who was drowning, but the one I really wanted to be. As I started shedding the layers of grief I started adding layers of energy and happiness and hope. I started understanding that I am still a whole person. My heart is damaged but not so much so that I cant ride this roller coaster of life. Not so damaged that I cant find the positives in my life. And positives I have been finding. I have gone back to work to a job I love. My daughter is healthy. My dogs, well they are still a pain in the ass, but they are beautiful and funny. I have found a way to turn the irritating negatives into positives, stuck in line at the store - hey I can read the National Enquirer, stuck in traffic - hey I can crank the music and sing along really loud and very badly and who cares? Got stung by bees - hey I learned a new way to take the sting out (thanks FredX).
I have to admit though, that the only negative I am finding lately is I am scaring myself. I mean I am becoming a bird chirping, rainbow finding, bells ringing POSITIVELY ANNOYING person.
And thats ok.
Views: 143
Comment
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on September 4, 2012 at 9:38am -
I love it. Glad the original Bad Ass is still in tow as well!
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Comment by bad ass widow on August 30, 2012 at 7:55pm -
Thanks everyone. I have found that being positive has not changed the original Bad Ass. There is still a whole lot of that in me. It is just so much less stressful then sweating the small stuff. And I am learning so much from the National Enquirer. LOL
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on August 29, 2012 at 12:12am -
LOVE this, Amy! I know I'm probably labeled as one of those annoyingly positive people ... so welcome to the club! It doesn't mean we have to always be positive; and it certainly doesn't mean we're 'over' it. We can still have those days where we need to do a little wallowing. But we now have the resources to be able to pull ourselves up out of it. Keep looking for those rainbows! ♥
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Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on August 28, 2012 at 11:38pm
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Yay Amy ! Good for you - I am so glad I got to meet you at CWW even though we really didn't have private time to talk - Life is for the living girl - Even though it's not what we would like it to look like ,it's all we are given . I am cheering you on as are so many other's - Love and Blessings my friend :) Lisa
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 28, 2012 at 7:23pm -
We love you anyway Amy....lol. And it's good to hear more of your story. And I'm very glad you are feeling so much better..it gives me hope.
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Comment by Jerry on August 28, 2012 at 10:43am
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Great to hear from someone that is moving on. A have had a few,very few days that I just did nothing. Mostly because I have other people that depend on me. Maybe it's a good thing, if I didn't I may have been stuck more in my grief then I am. As far as dogs, when you say they can be a pain in the ass, imknow the feeling well. I have 2 and it's not easy. When my wife was here, she at least shared the responsibility of taking care of them. Now I am tied to the house, can leave for to long.but maybe it's a good thing,keeps me in line.
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Comment by Lauralee on August 28, 2012 at 9:01am -
Growing up with a parent who was annoyingly negative, it is great to hear about another positive person who has gone through the depths of dispair and still came out of it feeling that the glass can be half full! Don't get me wrong, I have also had very dark and negative days going through this unnatural thing called widowhood and grief, but I look forward to feeling more positive each day as the grief fog lifts. Thank you for writing such a wonderful post.
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Comment by chez2all on August 28, 2012 at 1:21am -
Amy...you can annoy me anyday...go for it...lol. Might have to change your name to PollyAnna though...what do you think? I had a similar story...ignoring grief doesn't work hey! But my new life just seemed to be there one day. Working on my 2nd new life now...new house, travel, chucking in a toxic environment job...it's all starting to fall into place. Wishing you every positively annoying wish you could possibly think of...Chez
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Comment by LaurieR on August 28, 2012 at 12:21am -
Good for you!!
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Comment by tanya on August 27, 2012 at 11:27pm -
go on girl and be your badself!!!!!!
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