Some days life feels so empty. It doesn't matter how much I work in the house and the garden at the end of the day I just ask myself: "What was that all about?'' I still don't know what this part of my life is supposed to be about. I have slightly increased my activities but the black hole is still there in the middle of my day. It is the time I was always with Ray at the nursing home. It is 14 months now and yet it seems yesterday that I last drove out to the nursing home to say goodbye to him.
What is it about our brain that clings to those last few days and replays them with such clarity? I go to sleep and through the night I can wake up with his shout in my ear. Sometimes he is just yelling my name:"Sue". Sometimes he is yelling "Help me" as he did when he couldn't get up out of bed and needed me to pull him up. I thought it was getting better and it was for a while I was sleeping well again, but now it is back.
And I am so lonely. I can go to the shops, out for the day, to a meeting or to church but as soon as I get home that "all alone" feeling is back. I don't know how others deal with it, year in , year out. I cannot imagine life going on like this for the rest of my life. I guess I need to move to where there are people around me more, maybe a retirement village,that would solve some of the problem of always feeling alone. But I still like being here, where the memories of at least thirty years of our lives together are. And I know my grandchildren love to come here to where there are reminders of Pa Ray.
I am usually a practical person, I had to be to look after Ray for 13 years. I don't feel like that now, I seem to dither more. I knew I couldn't keep up that pace forever and now I am alone my brain has slowed down to probably what is normal for my age. There is no longer the need for the adrenalin rush that the many emergencies in our lives brought, there is no longer a need for me to rush through the day, all my loved ones, the ones who needed help so desperately are now at peace. It seems though that I am not.
There is plenty to do here, I just wonder how worth while it all is.
Maybe this is just a blue day and tomorrow will be different.