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August 11, 2016 was a sad day for me.  Sad because this is my first wedding anniversary without Dan’l.  Sad because it’s been over 6 months since he died and went to eternal life with God.  I still miss him terribly and always will, but thanks to the Lord, the pain is not as sharp, not as heavy, not unbearable.

There will be more “firsts” to come – first holidays without him – first birthdays without him – first trip without him - first major decision without him.  Nevertheless I still feel spiritually connected to Dan’l; connected in a way that only belief in the Spirit that God placed in me and in him can explain.  His love will live in my heart forever.

I am so thankful for family and friends... each and every one in my life who have supported me, grieved with me, and prayed for me.  I know that there is no going back to the past.  It is gone forever.  Only going ahead to the future - which for me has yet to be discovered - and living fully in the present is possible.  The sorrow and ache of missing Dan'l will never entirely leave my soul.  But I believe it has been enlarging my soul until somehow, someday I will be able to grieve and find joy at the same time.

I am slowly stepping my way through many changes with God's help.  The scenery of my life is very different now, as different as the mountains are from the dessert, but I am starting to see that even the dessert is quite beautiful in the sunset at dusk.  I continue to find fulfillment in my service as a Chaplain at the hospital, have found the deli and frozen section of the grocery store to be my best friends, and love having my dog Toby curled up by my side on the couch at night.  I am figuring out with God's guidance, little by little, what to hang on to as part of my new way of life and what to let go of.  I want to invest my time in what matters most - love for God, love for family, love for friends and love for others.

So... that's where I am today, after another first.  This road I'm traveling right now is bumpy, with lots of pot-holes, curves and detours (and yes tears).  Every day seems to be different than the last.  But God will guide me along this path and I will not get lost.  He is saving all the broken pieces and I believe I will someday see that he has made a beautiful kaleidoscope out of this life.

- I still miss miss you Dan'l and always will.

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Comment by deaf widow on August 22, 2016 at 10:45am

Hugs to you, ((((Wondering)))),  and to your pet, ((((Toby))).  I lost my hubby right after last Christmas due to cancer.  He was a chaplain, too, who would visit people at the hospital.  He was a Christian biker.  I still have my doggy and kitty to comfort me.  The doggy sleeps beside me and the kitty is my alarm clock (waking me up to feed her...she's the "BOSS"...can't argue with her, see)?  Everyday I still miss my hubby, too.  Just to let you know, you are not alone. 

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