It may seem like I'm just standing still but my mind is forever going back.. then here.. then forward.
A noise brings me to the seizure in the middle of the night. The diagnosis, surgery the changes in you. those that we missed before the seizure. the changes..so many changes... where is my husband who is this looks like my husband but does not act like him-his memories already gone. Where have you gone?
Back to today you are gone but where.... your ashes above the mantle how hard to try and wrap my head around you in that box. My loving living breathing husband gone now in a box and just memories. How is that possible where have you gone. Why did you go.. Its part of the "Plan" not sure whose.. wasn't ours, definitely not mine.. Today so empty.
A glimmer of Hope. Camp came back owning the feeling that I will be OK.. not just words I said to others but now I own them..
But someone says Hospice and I'm back to the seizure. the noise, the changes, surgery, chemo, radiation, seizures, losing my patience, regrets, disbelief.. wondering where is my husband MY husband where did he go. Was he here all the time.. where was someone to come and save the day. Where did you go.. pieces of your brain removed forever changed but still the same. moments of you then gone in a flash. seizures, sleeping, medications, quiet, distance, space. So alone even before you left. No one that understood, no more shared memories. No more love No more laughter. I couldn't save you...Gone forever.
Then I remember Camp and those that understand and walk with me. I'm back to today I will be Ok. Around I go slowly forward.