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Hello fellow widvillers..

It's been a while since I've written a blog or made a post.

I am posting today, because I find my heart in torment (again),...and it's irritating because I've made such positive progress since my husbands passing.

He's been gone 1 year and 6 months and a day.

We were together for 2 years, everything was magical, and the world was going to be ours, and it was going to last FOREVER---until that unfathomable day that he was killed by a drunk driver.

We got married because it was the most natural thing to do with our love.

We got pregnant because it happend, and we were extremely excited because it was an extension of that love.

I don't have to tell you guys about all of the hardships and challenges of being a widow... because you 'get it' and that is why I love this site.

I am reaching out for some support, ideas, opinions from you...the people who get it.

My husband was cremated, that is what he wanted, and it made sense with his 'go with the flow' free spirited frame of mind.  I guess I always assumed that he and I would die close to the same time, and we'd both be cremated and our children would have this one day planned out to sprinkle our ashes out into nature---to share with the world--together.

HOWEVER... that vision came to a halt when his parents asked me for his urn and remains.

His parents and siblings have not stopped by to see how Jack (my son) is doing, they have never inquired about the urn before... but the moment that I tell them that there is a new man in the picture, and that Jack and I would be moving in with him and his girls, they are all of a sudden concerned.  Now, they have the courage to tell me that they are finding it increasingly difficult to go on without being around his urn, to see it or DUN 

                                                                                                                              DUN 

                                                                                                                                   DUN...have a burial for him.                  

Dig his ashes underground, under the cold, dark ground ...to never be spread out or dispersed.  AND a marking stone... to literally remind you of his short life. SEPTEMBER 2/1987---SEPTEMBER 27/2011

                                                         what the --- ?????1?!?!?!1?!??!

I am totally uninterested in the idea.

I think Craig would be totally uninterested in the idea.

The worst of it all... they want a plot with him. A plot with a grown married man.

It makes me feel as though they are totally forgetting the fact that he and I did marry, and it was the happiest day of their son's life! (mine too)

They took down all of our wedding photos, but left up all of his childhood ones.  (??!?)

Like always, I try to look at every angle of the situation... and I realize that his family may find it increasingly important to have a place to go and grieve...they want to share a plot together because they figure that I have a lot of my life ahead of me, and are understanding of the fact that I may marry again...and this time get the chance to spend a lifetime with that person (and don't get me wrong, the idea of that is truly wonderful, and one that I didn't think I would ever be face-to-face with) BUT I can never, and will never forget my husband, and the biological father to my son. I honestly feel that if his ashes cannot be sprinkled and shared, then mine should be buried along with his.

I am at such a crossroads with my emotions.

I hate that I am so sensitive.

I wish I could just go "okay in laws...you're all still miserable, I am moving forward, here's Craig, do what you want' and pass them the urn... but I CANNOT!!!

Luckily, the man that I moved in with is also a widowed person, and understands my emotions.  I just wish I didn't feel so much pressure from Craig's family.

I've been staying at home with the kids... putting my career on hold...and I am enjoying it.  :)

The other day we all stood in a circle, held each others hands and sang...

"ring around the rosie, pockets full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down"

sooner or later we all will fall down... and all of this worrying adds up to... what? The main goal in life is to find happiness. How can everyone be happy?!... I am not responsible for the happiness of Craig's family, yet I feel that I am. Are we not responsible for our own happiness... so now what to do??

PEACE AND HEALING continued to you my friends.

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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on March 1, 2013 at 5:30pm

Kath!!!!  My Mom used to say  "When you don't know what to do ..do nothing"...I love that.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on March 1, 2013 at 4:35pm

Stacy,  I really admire your effort to "see things from all sides", and to try to understand where they are coming from. I think, honestly that you should definitely take your time on this. Because the fact is, he was YOUR husband.  A man leaves his father and mother, and then becomes one with his wife.

And so, because YOU were his wife,where Craig's ashes remain is entirely up to YOU.  And I sense, that you KNOW that Craig would want you and Jack to have them.  And, since his family doesn't seem too interested in maintaining a relationship with you and Jack, if you decide to keep them and they aren't happy with that, then what have you lost?

Paul was buried so it is a different situation, but if he had been cremated, I would feel weird about "splitting up" the ashes...just seems not right to me. 

Sweet Stacy, take your time, think about it, and your heart will give you the answer.

Much Love,

Ali

Comment by smit09 on March 1, 2013 at 10:26am

Thank you everyone for your input!

It's so nice to have the support and different views (still doesn't make me any less confused about things) but I feel extremely comforted by the responses.

I think I will take my time on it, and hope that the in laws can be patient with me.

Comment by Nesier on February 28, 2013 at 7:19pm
I'm only five months into this but if this were to become an issue I will offer my in-laws a portion of the ashes for them to do whatever it is they want to do. I still haven't figured it out.
Comment by Dianne in Nevada on February 28, 2013 at 7:13pm

Ah Stacy ... this is a tough one. It does appear to me that their sudden request for Craig's ashes is directly related to you loving Nathan. Shame on them.  And shame, shame, shame on them for ignoring sweet little Jack. How can that be? How can they so desperately need Craig's ashes and yet not want to have a relationship with his son?  I just do not get that at all. They don't need a plot to go to grieve - they have a grandson/nephew they can love and feel Craig's presence in their lives.

So ... back to the issue. As has been said here, many people do split the ashes up among loved ones. Many spread the ashes in a variety of places. The question is, can you be comfortable with that?  Don't do it just to make his family happy. Honestly, that is not a good enough reason when you consider their behavior with Jack. But if it's something you can live with, then offer them a small urn (and ask the funeral home to do that for you).  If it's not something you can live with, then say no. It is your right, it is Jack's right, to make this decision.  

Comment by Eileen on February 28, 2013 at 5:27pm
Just my 2 cents since you asked! I think your in-laws need that closeness by having the ashes and you do too and you of course are totally in charge of this. Giving them some of the ashes would be very fair and you may provide somewhere for Jack to visit which may give him comfort. Of you can just take a breather and say you need to think about what feels right. It is very hard to have so many emotions going at once and btw being sensitive is so much a part of this. Wishing you much peace, healing and happiness.
Comment by Kiki8 on February 28, 2013 at 4:50pm

The only nice thing Chris' family did for me since his death (work accident) was give me a keepsake urn filled with some of his ashes. I hadn't even thought about his ashes or what should be done with them. I remember his mom asking what I thought we should do (burial/cremation), and I said I believed Chris would want to be cremated (we had never talked about it) and she agreed. She gave both his sister and I keepsakes and she had a big one with the rest that she had buried with his grandma. There was a burial and his family didn't really involve me and barely spoke to me or my family. 

I believe you need to do what is right for you. His family didn't know him like you did, and I fully believe that you know what he would want you to do. Good Luck

Comment by judy on February 28, 2013 at 4:00pm

Hi Smit,

I know exactly how you are feeling - Justin passed on Sept 26, 2011 - so our sadnesses are a day apart.

His family wanted something in the cemetary near his dad - so we split him in half.  I have an urn in our home and one in the cemetary.  I will be next to him in the cemetary and when my time comes - hopefully someone will be kind enough to me to mix our ashes together and put them in Hawaii where we once wanted to retire.  His family doesn't talk to me anymore and it hurts but learning to accept that part - its their loss.

Justin wanted to be in various places and he is in 7 different places right now including in the cemetary.

Glad to hear there is someone new in your life.... happy for you......

Thinking of you and hope you have an easy day today....  ((((Smit)))))

Sending lots of love and light......xox

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on February 28, 2013 at 1:29pm

Hi Smit,

Maybe do a small keepsake urn for them.  You are correct in that you are not responsible for their happiness.  Do what you feel is right for you and your son.

If any of step children asked me for my husbands ashes I would have to politely delcline their request.  They were not in his life nor made any attempt except once, which only caused my husband more hurt, to be a part of his life.  I will someday spread his ashes as was his request.

Comment by jean on February 28, 2013 at 10:11am

(((Smit)))  So good to see an update that things are going well with the new Mr... Not so happy to hear about the in laws.  :-(  Like you, I try to see all sides of things also.

Ya know... maybe you can give them half the ashes and save the rest for sprinkling him with you. Or...half the ashes in the plot with your name on the stone as well. A double plot for you both. With that your son will have a marker too when he gets older, he might like that. You know know.

These are just suggestions.. splitting him up sounds morbid to me.. it does... but I know folks who have done it.. put a little in jewelry or with a tree they planted..these things are sweet to me... maybe think of it that way.?

I'll be praying for your peace with this and understanding for all concerned. I have heard of inlaws getting sticky after the spouse finds love again.. this isn't rare.. breathe... take your time and don't make any decisions that you are not ok with. Craig is yours to do with as you both chose. Don't let them bully you or guilt trip you into anything you might live to regret. ((hugs))

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