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Autumn / Friday / Denial/ Reality hits

This fall has me in tears constantly. The colors, leaves, the run up to Halloween. It's killing me. Why is that I wonder? Do most of us who had a long happy marriage feel it bad during fall? My mom (93) says the beauty outside reminds us of the pain inside.  

Today is Friday. I usually don't think about it but today...

It's probably about 40 or 41 weeks since that Friday in January. If I could only go back in time. I would answer the phone, call 911. Maybe there would have been a chance he could be with me now, and I would never even know this site existed. Oh, how I wish....

I have been in denial - even through more than 9 months, the tears flow heavily when I'm out of sight of people.

It wasn't until I came here less than 2 weeks ago that I got a dose of reality. Only through reading the thoughts, feelings and supportive comments of all you here (you poor suffering sweethearts) have I only just been made to realize ... he's gone, really, completely. 

I know I have so many things to be grateful for but the pain feels so fresh and is so so so so sharp.  


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Comment by Joyce on October 30, 2011 at 3:00pm
Hi carolynne, my car is a frequent crying spot also.  The only reason I can think of is - I'm usually coming home from work and maybe the front that I put up at work comes down on the drive home.  Last week someone asked me how I was doing and I said okay, when she said really?, I said no, I just fake it well.  Her response was "FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT".  I liked that and I've decided that is my new motto.
Comment by 1mrypp on October 28, 2011 at 9:21pm
Hi Carolynne, sorry you are feeling the grief harder too this season. Thanks for adding your thoughts. Yes, it has a lot to do with all the days coming that you mention. How will we make it through thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....??? DREAD. Just thinking about it is blurring these words. Oh well, let's try to hang in there.
Comment by rodsgurl09 on October 28, 2011 at 5:10pm
Yes, the last few weeks have been harder for me, too. The cold, maybe..winter coming, and the holidays...our anniversary, our birthdays....who knows. Ups and downs. The car and the shower are my most frequent crying spots, too...the shower because I know my son can't hear me. No idea what the car is about...maybe just because he's not there next to me for me to rest my hand on his leg. Sigh. It's so many things, big and little, that he just isn't here for. Wishing us all peace, love to all.
Comment by MsKris12 on October 28, 2011 at 11:56am

I think it is the distinct change in the season.  It is like a check mark of time passing and they (spouses) are still not here.  At least that what I believe has brought on my more recent and frequent crying jags.  It has been almost 9 months for me.   I am dreading the holidays, then Spring, then another summer.  I agree with Marsha-We will all pull through with our bonds here. 

Hugs and Blessings to all


Comment by Marsha on October 28, 2011 at 11:46am

More time inside and our spouses aren't here. Today would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary so know why my tears want to spill over. The car on the way home and/or shower tonight. Also getting closer to when my life started falling apart on the journey to his surgery and death. The year of firsts is so hard. We all will pull through with the friendship of everyone here at WV. ((((Hugs to all))))

Thank you Jean for the smile! Didn't work when I was younger and sure isn't going to work now at my age! ;o)

Comment by jean on October 28, 2011 at 10:21am

you know, it doesn't work so good all the time, the God plan.. .but I try..  ((hugs))   The car and shower seem to be where I break down too.. So glad I made you smile.  Hang in there, it's such a long haul but with the friends here at WV, we will pull through.

Comment by 1mrypp on October 28, 2011 at 10:13am
yes, that did make me smile. Thank you Jean. At least while I'm wailing away in my shower or in my car (the two places I cry the most for some reason, I'll know I'm in very good company. As I said to Sally... I hope you and she are right about god and plans and such. It must be a great comfort to feel that way.
Comment by jean on October 28, 2011 at 10:01am

I agree with Sally... God does have a plan for all of us and when He calls us home there isn't anything we can do about it.  ((hugs))  I've been feeling the pain myself this fall, my first without my sweet baby.  It is truly awful.. but.. we must.. we must.. increase our bust?!  Where did that come from?  The corners of my mind.. boy, I AM going crazy.. hope it made you smile..  (((hugs)))  trying to keep my tears at bay.. and tired.. very tired.. up late last night in chat!  haha

Comment by SallyStarre on October 28, 2011 at 8:57am

Hi,  my husband died on March 11th.  I have been particularly weepy the past couple of weeks for no apparent reason.  Your mother's remark makes a lot of sense to me. 

Don't beat yourself up with what ifs.  I believe that God has a plan for all of us and when it is time to go home there is nothing anyone can do to change it. 

Wishing us all less pain ahead.



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