Back to the land of the living....

So......last week Thursday was my first day back at work since Mark's death in October.  I had just started this job about 7 days before the accident.  That means today was my third day back on the job, only this time the company was kind enough to allow me to come back to the day shift, as I can no longer be available for afternoons since I am alone with the kids now.  All I could think about at work was "that night".....so, I decided to write about it here, where I know there are lovely souls who will understand when it sounds like I might be going a little crazy.....

That night, Oct. 18th/11, I had just come off supper break at 8:30.  I was at my welder for about 15 minutes and wondering why my hubby wouldn't answer his phone when I called.  I just shrugged it off, chuckled to myself thinking he must have fallen asleep already.  Lucky guy, I thought.....Then at about 8:50 p.m., my supervisor came to my machine and kind of waved for me to follow him, and he mumbled something.  I didn't hear what he said, I only knew he needed me to follow him.  Once we walked through some of the noise machines and I could tell we were walking somewhere I'd never been before, it was quiet on this side of the building, so I asked him, "Where are we going?"  He looked at me with surprise, and said, "The police are here for you!"  In all of about the one minute it took for me to get outside and to see 2 police cars and at least 3 officers, a million thoughts ran through my head.  No, not the one you'd think......I wasn't thinking at all it had anything at all to do with my family.  I was racking my brains trying to think of what I had done to have the cops show up at my work???!!!??  (nothing, of course).  I'll never forget those words....."There's been an accident."   Ya know....those moments you see on the movies but think...."Wow.  Those poor people.  I'm so glad that will never happen to me."  Well it did happen to me.  Worse, it happened to my kids, who were in the vehicle too.  I don't recall a whole lot of the next ten minutes.  I almost collapsed, I was asked by my supervisor if I wanted him to get my things, I gave my keys to an officer, and I was helped into the cruiser and being assured that my children were all ok, but my husband was being airlifted to a bigger hospital where he would receive the best care possible.  "He's hurt pretty bad", they said, "but he'll be in the best hands."  In my shocked mind, I thought that meant they were going to fix him.  It would be hard for a while, I said to myself, but we'll get through this.  Thank God my kids are ok.  So precious they are.  

All 3 kids and Mark were brought to the local hospital here.  After I was with the kids and watched while they stitched up my daughter's head, I asked if I could see Mark before they took him away.  The nurse said yes, so she lead me to the room and all 3 doctors looked up and said , "NO!!!".  She took me out, and then a few minutes later I was allowed to come in.  I needed to see if it was really him.  Maybe this was a gigantic horrible mix-up.   They covered up his head and turned him on his side, so all I got to see was his back, and there was a lot of blood.  I cried and turned to leave the room.  I knew it was him, but still thinking at this point that they were going to do their miracles and help him.  Victim Services showed up and I had to meet with them in a small room in ER.  I couldn't figure out why they were wasting my time!!  I needed to get out there, get my kids safe, and then go to the bigger hospital where Mark was being transferred to.  Why are these people wasting my time???  I wasn't listening.  If I had been, I could have known that the reason they were there was because someone had died.....and that someone was my life, my love.  Support groups?  A crisis hotline??  Come onnnnn people!!  I need to get going here.....can't you see what's happening right now?? Why would I need a support group??  

When I finally got my 2 daughers safely at their aunt's house for the night, and my son in the vehicle with me as he needed to get double-checked at the big hospital for concerns regarding his neck veins (his Nanna and Poppa stayed with him all night)......we got there at about 1 a.m.  All I want to do is see my husband.  I want him to look at me, and I'll deal with whatever I have to deal with.  Push him in a wheelchair, work extra hard, whatever....I'll do it.  Just please, please , please God, let him be ok.  Please.  You wouldn't do that to me God, would you??  I've struggled so long and so much.  You wouldn't take away my Marky, right?  Oh please God let him be ok.  When I got up to the room, and the family already had our own special room, and everyone was waiting for me.....I knew it couldn't be good.  But I also still believed they could fix him.  From there, the doctors started talking, but all I remember is hearing the word, "unsurvivable".  It was at that point that I collapsed on the floor and my heart literally shattered in my body.  I don't know what else they said, I wasn't really there anymore.  I was the crumpled up girl on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and desperately wishing I hadn't heard what I just heard.  Unsurvivable?!?  Really????  Noooooooooooooooo........

That was the first night.......and I needed to re-tell it in the best way I remember.  I hope that with time, I will not think about the walk out of my workplace to meet the police cars.....I hope I will meet new people and come to an acceptance at work like I have at home.  (Mostly)  Thank you for taking the time to read this.....it has helped me a lot to get these most inner thoughts out of my mind....

Lots of love to you all.  

cheryl