I know it is normal to go backward in my grief -- that's what I've been told in my Grief Share class and on the widow websites. It has been 6 months since my husband died. During that time, I've celebrated four of the biggest holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day) and what would have been my 7th wedding anniversary. I've made it through it all with few down times, but otherwise I've been okay. The week of Thanksgiving was horrendous as that's when I happened to find out my husband had cheated on me during our marriage. I think all of that anger helped me get through the rest of the holiday season. I was not going to let it bring me down! However, now I'm starting to feel that lonely and sad feeling. I have accepted and the pain of his cheating has lessened. I miss him now. I'm remembering better times and it is making me sad. Maybe it is the weather -- this cold, rainy, snowy winter has sucked! It has sucked the hope right out of me. No, I'm not suicidal or anything. It's just, I feel like I'm at a standstill, not moving forward and not really moving backward. I don't like this feeling. I want my optimism back. I want to be excited about things, the future, etc.
I've been having a regret too. I regret not having children. Don't get me wrong, I have those that I have "adopted" as mine,but they aren't really. In fact, one of my "adopted" kids just gave me my 2nd grandchild and he's just a doll. However, I feel like everyone's lives are moving forward and I'm stuck in my grief. I'm not going any where. I'm just here. I go to work, come home, go to my Grief Share class, go to my Optimist club meetings, and start the process all over again.
I've been talking to and seeing two different men. Both know my story and are very supportive. While I like them both and think they are wonderful, I don't really feel anything for them. I know this is normal as well, but I so miss that exciting feeling of starting a new relationship; that feeling you get when you receive a message, call or text and you are just bursting with happiness. Will I ever feel that again?
Maybe I just need spring and the new life it brings to hurry up and get here.