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Bathroom Cleaning & Fourth of July

Br is going to come clean the mirror and remove the hearts in Howard's bathroom for me.

I felt so stupid asking, like someone was going to tell me to get over it and stop being a drama queen. I expected a friend to yell at me and berate me. It's weird that he didn't. No one said anything, though. Br said she'd do it, and Bl offered to come over and do it. And I feel kinda guilty. I'm mom. I've been mom. That's who I am, it's what I do. And I'm not good at being this broken, and I'm really not good at asking for emotional support. That's my job.

I was supposed to go to Mi and H's for the Fourth of July, but his family and some friends want to come over and work on cleaning the storage unit. So I won't be going. And I should be grateful for the help. I really should. But I mostly just want to yell at them that I had plans. That I really wanted to go to my best friend's and be surrounded by my OWN adopted family. To try to let there be something in life that isn't connected to death. But instead, I'll go home, change in to work clothes, and start more cleaning.

I think part of me was just hanging on until the memorial service. That as long as there was something to do for everyone else, I wouldn't fall apart. But now that what's left is just me and the contents of the house, it's a lot harder, and now it's all breaking. I feel brittle.

But I'm not going to "get better", or try to get past it. I'm going to live this and go through it and learn to live with it. Sigh. Probably because it's too big for me to box up, but I've held it too long to truly cry about it. I'll probably break down and have A beat me soon. I know the offer is there waiting. I just haven't been able to face it. I think it comes back to that I HAD to carry it until the memorial service. That I couldn't break until then. To the world at large, my "job" to him is done, and I'm "just" a grieving girlfriend.

If you didn't actually SAY "till death do we part", it doesn't count. It seems wrong, somehow.

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