A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
I've hit the 2 year mark. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty ... but I survived it. And after having a major meltdown at work, I have to say I'm feeling better now than I have in a very long time. That tsunami of emotions appears to have released everything I had been hiding inside and it has helped to change me.
I now actually believe the words I whispered to my husband that final morning in hospice ... "I will be ok".
Another thing that has helped me is attending Brave Girl Camp. I do believe it was a 'God-moment' when I just happened to see the Brave Girls Club badge on another widow's blog.The site spoke to me immediately. I signed up for their Daily Truths and then noticed they have a Camp. Since Camp Widow has been a wonderful part of my life for the past year-and-a-half I had to click on that link ... and I physically felt the pull that this was something I was supposed to do. But it was very much out of my comfort zone: 4 days in Idaho with complete strangers; a roommate; life lessons; creating art; a significant amount of money. So I closed the page. But I just could not get it out of my mind. I went back in to see when the Camps were held and saw they had 2 openings for their August 21-24 Camp. Another God-moment. The 22nd is the day of the month Vern died ... and August 23 would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary. I have spent those important days alone during these past 2 years. Perhaps I needed to be with others ... in Idaho. So I asked my boss if I could have the time off work and when he said yes I signed up before I could change my mind. This was July 5, so I didn't have a lot of time to second-guess my decision ... but second-guess I sure did. I was nervous, wondering if I'd be way older than everyone there, concerned I wouldn't fit in, worried I had no ability to create art, scared to confront the life lessons I knew I had been ignoring. But I did it ... and it was amazing and wonderful and life-changing. And I now have a group of women who are my sisters, who love me, who think I am wonderful and beautiful and creative ... and enough. What an incredible blessing.
What this has done is helped me find my way ... forcing me to step outside the box, to try things I never would have in the past, to stop waiting for others to fill the void, to get comfortable doing things by myself. People have come into and out of my life this year. Change isn't easy - and it's hard to be "just" Dianne, but I'm getting there. I miss Vern every day, but I am making the choice to honor his memory by being all I can be with the time I have left.