My partner and I didn't live together but he stayed at my place a lot last summer. When I bought my house 3 1/2 years ago I bought a twin bed for myself because I knew it would be cold sleeping alone in a bigger bed, bedding for bigger beds is more expensive, and, because I was leaving an unfulfilling relationship I wasn't at all interested in getting involved in another one, so the twin bed doubled as a statement about my status.
Then David came along. After a summer of sleeping on the floor on an uncomfortable futon mattress, he bought a double size boxspring and mattress for us. As winter approached and I knew how much he minded the cold because of a side effect of his cancer treatment and he had little body fat left on his already lean frame, I bought a set of flannelette sheets for the bed.
Since then, sheets make me sad. To begin with, the only sheets I had for the bed were sheets I purchased at used clothing stores. At the time, I couldn't afford to buy a brand new set and though my partner could have I didn't want him to have to pay for everything. He was okay with the second-hand sheets, as long as we were together and comfortable. But I always wanted to buy some new sets and the first new set was that set of flannelette sheets. Now I want another set so I'll have two and I'd like to get some regular cotton sheets for warmer seasons. I'm always on the lookout for good quality sheets at a good price.
But then I ask myself, "Why?" I think a part of me is still thinking he's going to be coming home and I want to have nice sheets for us to sleep on. But he's not coming home and that's so sad.
I don't sleep in the bed. It's in the same room as my twin bed, but at the other end of the room. His sister and her husband slept in it (and I in another room) when they came for his celebration of life in the summer and one of his daughters has slept in it. I know I rationalize my desire to buy new sheets for the bed by saying that I need them for when people stay over and they want to sleep in the double bed, but really, the couple of sets I have is enough.
Even looking at sheets for my own twin bed makes me sad because I know I'm sleeping in that bed because David isn't with me anymore and he never will be again.
Sheets. Just another crazy thing that touches the pain within and sparks the sadness. That's okay, but it's not okay that he's gone. It never will be.