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Before They Died Or While They Were Alive ?
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Which in itself is scary, but in my quest to see and stay positive in my life, random thoughts shoot through this widow brain addled head.
One of the things I have noticed is how often we say "Before ---------------------- (insert name here) died"
Example: Before Keith died we went camping a lot.
Do we say this so we can say our loved ones name out loud? Do we say this to remind people that we had a life with someone who is gone? Do we say this to remind ourselves that our loved one is gone? (Like we really need reminding) Do we say this because that is just exactly how our loved ones death has defined us? That we can only think of memories by inserting that phrase?
I dont want that phrase to define me anymore. I dont want it to define Keiths place in my life anymore. I dont want that phrase to define Keiths life. He was alive. He lived. And I think that I am doing him a disservice by only referring to him by saying before he died.
So I am choosing to say "When Keith was alive" instead of the other phrase.
Example: When Keith was alive we went camping a lot. Or better yet When Keith was alive, I loved him with my whole heart. Doesnt that sound a whole hell of a lot better then Before Keith died, I loved him a whole lot?
Think about it.
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Comment
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Comment by hendrixx2 on September 13, 2012 at 8:37am -
Hi Amy,
Good one Amy...I too have times when thoughts about simple things such as this invade my mind; I think your decision to choose a different way to refer to Keith is a good one...I'm putting this in my toolbox...
I had a similar issue with saying ''DJ's death...''...as if she 'owned' it rather than having had it occur. There is much to the entire idea you present; to wit, '' MY ex'' when some folks refer to divorced partners....or, a phrase rarely used any longer, but a good example, ''...American Indian..''. It was explained to me that because commonly the first word denotes ownership, we should really think about how we decide to refer to some things, as the subtle messages they convey can be very powerful indeed....thanx for pointing this out....Peace...
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Comment by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on September 12, 2012 at 6:10pm -
Definitely food for thought. Thanks for sharing this.
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Comment by Marsha on September 12, 2012 at 3:39pm -
Think I always refer to Bruce and I. Hard to think of before he died. Refuse to even consider he is dead. If I believe in enternal life ,and I do, then I have tried to make it a point to say he has passed or he has made his transition. Believe they are with us and we'll see our loved ones again.
As always love your blogs Amy. Think the writer's block is gone! (((((Hugs)))))
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Comment by cec on September 12, 2012 at 11:04am -
Agreed
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Comment by Joyce on September 12, 2012 at 9:54am -
I don't like using the word died either Amy, I do try to say his name whenever I can. When Tom and I went camping, etc. I think I say it so I can say his name out loud, sometimes to remind people, who seem to want to forget and look uncomfortable when I bring up his name and then....I want to Shout his name.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on September 12, 2012 at 9:25am -
Amy, I do exactly what Ali does, I say "Steve and I." It is hard for me to say the word died too. I agree with you "when _____ was alive" does sound much better. Hugs my friend!
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Comment by Tommi on September 12, 2012 at 9:20am -
What a wonderful perspective Amy....
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on September 12, 2012 at 8:52am -
Fabulous perspective, Amy. I don't think I've said 'before Vern died' ... but I know I've used 'before Vern was sick' quite often. I use May 4, 2006 as a defining date ... our life before and after cancer ... and how drastically things changed on that date. I'm going to make the effort to change that focus. We had 35 years 'before Vern was sick' ... lots of really wonderful things I can focus on instead of that date. THANKS!
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Comment by chez2all on September 12, 2012 at 5:15am -
Thanks Amy...thought provoking blog. Loved it...keep up the good work
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on September 11, 2012 at 11:23pm -
Yes it does Amy. I don't usually say, Before Paul died. I say, Paul and I used to go fishing. Or, Paul and I really liked that show. Or Paul and I always went to Bingo on Sunday afternoon. I think I do it partly just to say his name out loud, but also I say it because it reminds me of good memories. I don't want to have those great memories and have them preceded by the word "died". Because my memories aren't dead.
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