Having a family was more my husband's thing. I wanted to be a career woman but found myself staying home with my kids for a whole 7 years before I joined the working world. I took naturally, enough, to being affectionate with my babies, and there's no way you could accuse me of neglect or anything of that sorts. I can draw a line of decency and never cross it. Not that I am devoid of emotional connection with them. When they are hurt or need defending, my momma instincts kick in to furiously protect them. But I find myself feeling acutely resentful of my kids as of late. Sometimes I wish they would hurry up and move out!
At a very low moment, I decided to consult google on this issue. I found an article that explained that feeling this way is part of the experience of parenthood. Accepting that you will always feel this way is what helps you feel less crazy, and helps you cope and take parenting day-by-day.
I got a lot of relief in reading this. But then I realized that I never observed this feeling from their father. He was the proudest dad ever. How did he do it?" I thought. This isn't a new feeling. I know I've had my episodes in the past and my husband was always very sensitive to it. He never looked down on me or made me feel bad when I became overwhelmed with the responsibilities and lack of autonomy as a mother. He just took action and stepped in to help. Never, did I notice my husband harboring any resentment to our sons. Remembering this conjured up a whole new feeling of grief and loss. My boys lost the only parent that, really, truly loved them unconditionally.
This makes me sad.