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Being the only, disgruntled parent...

Having a family was more my husband's thing. I wanted to be a career woman but found myself staying home with my kids for a whole 7 years before I joined the working world. I took naturally, enough, to being affectionate with my babies, and there's no way you could accuse me of neglect or anything of that sorts. I can draw a line of decency and never cross it. Not that I am devoid of emotional connection with them. When they are hurt or need defending, my momma instincts kick in to furiously protect them. But I find myself feeling acutely resentful of my kids as of late. Sometimes I wish they would hurry up and move out!

At a very low moment, I decided to consult google on this issue. I found an article that explained that feeling this way is part of the experience of parenthood. Accepting that you will always feel this way is what helps you feel less crazy, and helps you cope and take parenting day-by-day. 

I got a lot of relief in reading this. But then I realized that I never observed this feeling from their father. He was the proudest dad ever. How did he do it?" I thought. This isn't a new feeling. I know I've had my episodes in the past and my husband was always very sensitive to it. He never looked down on me or made me feel bad when I became overwhelmed with the responsibilities and lack of autonomy as a mother. He just took action and stepped in to help. Never, did I notice my husband harboring any resentment to our sons. Remembering this conjured up a whole new feeling of grief and loss. My boys lost the only parent that, really, truly loved them unconditionally. 

This makes me sad.

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 18, 2017 at 12:46pm

[[[HUGS]]]

I thought that of myself after Bob died. I was so overwhelmed w/being responsible for everyone & everything. I was angry, frustrated & just beat up on myself daily. My bond w/the kids had become fractured & my grief was so overpowering I didn't know what to do about either. Bob worked 5 days of the week out of town, when he returned it was all fun & games for the kids. I loved watching them, it was my reprieve from having to do it all, but then it was suddenly all gone ...

There were many times I was livid that I just couldn't put myself to sleep or lay around grieving for hours on end or run out the door whenever I had a wild hair moment or have a privacy. I had 3 grief buddies w/out kids who were able to do these things at will any time of the day or night - it was maddening for me! It took a couple of years for me to learn to become an all in one parent. It is by no means easy & all that can be done is to do the best you can to parent while grieving ...

Looking back over the past 10 years, I can see we always needed one another & still do ...

 

Comment by Athena53 on May 9, 2017 at 4:30am

The writer Penelope Leach once observed that different people like kids at different ages.  I LOVE 2- and 3-year olds when they start talking, and my husband was much better with my son when he was in his difficult middle-school years.  You love them and protect them no matter what age, but it's natural that your relationship with them evolves.  Right now it's SO much easier for me to have fun with my granddaughter who just turned 3.  Her baby sister is 6 months old and is nearly always smiling, but she's at a stage where she doesn't want me to pick her up (prefers her parents).  I tend to spend more time with the older one, but that gives her parents time to tend to the baby.

Comment by barry on May 9, 2017 at 1:27am

Hi Tifa

I guess Dads have less hands on when they are younger I know Stella doted on our 2 kids but when they got older they very much had to fend for themselves as far as she was concerned but I always had more patience I wouldn't stress you did your job in the earlier years

Comment by kellygreenstrat (Colin) on May 8, 2017 at 3:56pm

You're certainly not alone tif.  I think most couples could point to one parent who is the "fun" one, and the parent who keeps things pointing forward.  My mother wasn't the fun-loving type, but I think that she also steered me towards being independent.  I try to do that for my kids, but I feel guilty for not being the warm caretaker type.  I do share the "hurry up and move out" dream.   Not all the time, but at times it is a fantasy to be able to move about freely without anyone depending on me.  I hope you don't spend too much time beating yourself up about it, I think it's a natural thing to feel. 

Comment by Athena53 on May 5, 2017 at 6:28am

I can understand your feelings- I went back to work when DS was 6 weeks old and was happy to be there.  When he was about to start HS and was falling through the cracks in the pubic school system, I sent him to a military boarding school for HS.  Right now he and DDIL and their two beautiful little girls are visiting.  I think DS turned out OK!  Some of us are not wired to be full-time mothers but we can still be good mothers anyway.  Even my grandmother, who was a stay-at-home mother to 5 kids, told me she used to lock herself in her bedroom and read Shakespeare when she was overwhelmed.

So, your way can work just fine- and I think a little detachment fosters independence in kids, as long as they know Mom's got their back, which you do.

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