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Having an angry day today. Feeling fury.  I yelled in the car after dropping my daughter off at camp and yelled in the house before sitting down to work for the day. I never get to voice my fury and to yell it out was a good idea. I wish I could stand in the street and scream at the top of my lungs and break things, smash things to bits.  I am not ready to dive into work yet so I am writing here to see if I can calm myself down. I feel angry. I feel so angry.  I don't want to feel broken anymore. I don't want to feel anxious all the time. I want to feel good in my body. I want to feel rested. I want to feel heart-full, not heart-broken. I want to feel peace.  I do not want to feel broken.

I do sometimes, feel those good things but today I feel empty, angry, spent (and it is only 9:16 am....). I watched the video of Michele's keynote speech and it was wonderful and meaningful as they always are. I knew from before Ron died that I would have to live, that to live and to live well would be the best way to honor him. What I didn't know is how unfreakingbeliveabley hard that would be at times--often--most of the time.

I want a break. I wish I could set this life aside for a few minutes and pick up a different life. I wish it didn't all rest on me to create that new life. I wish I felt connected to someone. I wish I wasn't lonely. I want the longing to subside or I wish I could redirect the longing into something else, something positive.  I am so tired. Stumbling along, moving forward, because life continues no matter what. 

I want to feel calm, peaceful, self-assured, gracious and graceful. I want to be able to smile and laugh more.  I used to be fun. I used to be the kind of person who organized my friends and created social gatherings. So much of the fun was in the planning and anticipating and then in the debriefing afterwards with Ron.  My energy is pretty much used up in getting through the day to day of solo parenting and solo everything. I don't feel like I am very good company these days.

I am ready to dip a tiny toe into the dating pool but that is somewhat laughable as I have so little time right now to socialize with the friends that I have, I am not sure how anything/anyone new could be added. 

I am going to have to put one of my dogs down soon. She is so old, so cranky and really hard to take care of. I've been doing it for months and now I realize that her quality of life is poor and that it would be the right thing to do. She was our "practice child" so to speak, and putting her down feels like closing a little more of the door to the life that Ron and I created. 

I am starting to feel tired now. A different kind of tired that comes from having let a little of the angry air out, a little of the grief. So I thank you, WV,  for giving me this space to vent.  I am still angry and still feeling broken but I think I can start my work day now.

Hugs and love to all. 

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Comment by breistl on August 11, 2015 at 7:59pm
Thank you for putting into words what I am feeling. Exactly what I am feeling. I'm so angry and tired. Solo everything makes me feel like a failure. I worry about every decision and how much more I'm screwing my kids up. Just to run away and start new...tired
Comment by Dianne in Nevada on August 5, 2015 at 9:15am

Ah, Carrie, I'm glad WV is here for you to share the yucky days ... and for you to hear that you're not alone.  I did the breaking dishes thing ... in the back yard against the ugly block walls we all have here in Vegas.  It helped.  And after seeing all of those broken pieces, I thought ... hey, I can create a mosaic with them.  Great symbolism ... something beautiful from something painful.  LOL ... well, that never happened.  But it's still on my list.

The ups and downs of being widowed and learning to live through this new life present so many challenges. Do they ever go away? Nah, I don't think so. I'm approaching the 5 year mark next month and triggers can still grab my heart and take me down. So I let them.  The 'down' doesn't last as long these days.

I made a conscious effort to try to get to know this new me. I had to accept that the old me was gone, the me that loved Vern and was loved by him, the Dianne that was 'Dianne & Vern'.  I had to grieve that ol' gal and let her go so I could figure out who I wanted to be now. Lots of choices. I knew I wanted to learn to be happy with this life, not to concentrate on the negative ... so that was a start. And then I focused on finding things to occupy my time that could bring me some happiness. I found giving back to the widowed community to be really helpful for me. Helped me to focus on others instead of myself. And I found Brave Girls Club and started enjoying doing some artsy stuff. Rarely ever share my stuff with anyone ... it's for me, not them. But it has helped. 

I know our lives are very different since I don't have kids at home (well, the adult kid did move back in but it's not the same, I know) and I retired earlier this year so don't have the job to go to every day.  But carve out some time for YOU ... just you ... to look back at what interested you in the early days of your life - either before Ron or before kids or after - things that you couldn't do because life got too busy. And grant yourself the gift of just 5, 10 or 15 minutes each day to do that. You deserve it.

Comment by Hosmer on August 5, 2015 at 8:12am

Thanks so much for your post.  I have those days sometimes and it's good to know I'm not the only one.  This site gives me hope that I'll okay, as I seem to be "normal" here.  

I have good days now, and sometimes even good weeks.  It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost Al.  I have a freind who has been widowed for 4 years and one for 6 years and they tell me I'm right where I'm supposed to be.   So keep on keepin' on!  

Blessings and comfort to all. 

Comment by k2k9 on July 31, 2015 at 4:55pm

I had to put my 15 y/o dog down exactly a month after my husband died.  I feel like my whole little family is gone.  I still have dogs and cats, but that one was my "child I never had" (I am childless).  It was so hard to have two losses so close together.  They were both sick at the same time, and there were weeks and months when I wasn't sure which would go first.  I feel like my husband left, and took the dog!!  There's nothing wrong with feeling your anger -- we have every right to be angry.  xoxoxo Hugs.

Comment by MissingRKK on July 31, 2015 at 7:06am

Thanks, Barbee and HUGS Widow85.

So today I was not in a great mood-still kinda angry--elderly dog shit all over the kitchen at 5:30 am--tired, frustrated. Whatever. So before work I decided I would go for a short walk to try to stamp out some anger and get myself together. I walk back in the house and find a chewed up bottle of prednisone on the floor with all of one tablet in it.  Fucking hell. I called the vet and was told to bring both dogs in (other dog is a 10 month old puppy).  Stayed at the vet for 90 mins while they induced vomitting in the puppy. Old dog didn't need any treatment. Talked to the vet about putting old dog down (will do so very soon) and came home to a message telling me I needed to do something by 10:00 am. It was already 10:30. Hadn't even had a drink of water or any breakfast for the day and am now sitting here trying to calm down again. The dogs are fine. I did eat and am drinking water now. Cancelled my 11:30 meeting. Am doing what was supposed to be done an hour ago. Fuck. Can't a widow get a break???

Comment by widow85 on July 30, 2015 at 7:10am

And bleeping Wednesday, and bleeping Thursday, and bleeping Friday, and bleeping Saturday, and bleeping Sunday and bleeping Monday, every day somewhat different in the tone and content of its bleepingness, but nonetheless all bleeping all the bleeping time at some existential level of bleepitude. And yet I still hug my family, love my friends, try to do some good in the short time I am here, and every morning get up and do it again, amen. It's sure a mystery.

Comment by barbee on July 29, 2015 at 5:26pm

Here is a suggestion for getting the anger out: Grab several trays of ice cubes. Put them into a large bowl. Find an outside wall -- one without windows and preferably made of brick or cement. Throw those ice cubes as hard as you can. Yell. Say all the bad words you've kept bottled up. Scream. Listen to the smashing and breaking. Repeat until there are no ice cubes left. Then, do it the next day and the next, as fast as you can make ice cubes. Or, buy a big bag of them at the grocers. There is something very helpful about hearing all that noise as you get the tension out of your body. This way the good dishes stay intact and no one gets hurt!

Comment by MissingRKK on July 28, 2015 at 4:53pm

Oceangirl and MR, love the junker with the baseball bat and yes, I still want to break some shit! I am wondering where/how to make that happen. When I was a kid we used to be able to go to this recycling center and smash glass as we sorted it by color. I don't know if that kind of thing happens but I need to break something. I crave breaking something. It must make crazy noise when it shatters/breaks.

I finally had the chance to go to see a wonderful acupuncturist this evening and without me telling her how angry I'd been feeling she figured it out on her own and helped me see how all this stored up anger is doing me no good. I need to let it out. 

xxoo to you all

Comment by oceangirl on July 28, 2015 at 3:02pm

Oh, sweetie, I get it. I would lock down all windows and doors and throw some Ramones or Led Zep on and scream at the top of my lungs until my throat was sore. I highly recommend it (an empty parking lot will do as well). If I didn't let some of the anger and loss out I think my head would have exploded. I'm 7 years out, and let me tell you, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Your life will change. Things will change. But for right now, be kind to yourself, as best as you can......but still break shit. Marsha  

Comment by MissingRKK on July 28, 2015 at 7:16am

Thanks, Betsy! The advice on smashing stuff but not cleaning up is  great. The cleaning it all up would definitely detract from the satisfaction of the  destruction! 

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