Having an angry day today. Feeling fury. I yelled in the car after dropping my daughter off at camp and yelled in the house before sitting down to work for the day. I never get to voice my fury and to yell it out was a good idea. I wish I could stand in the street and scream at the top of my lungs and break things, smash things to bits. I am not ready to dive into work yet so I am writing here to see if I can calm myself down. I feel angry. I feel so angry. I don't want to feel broken anymore. I don't want to feel anxious all the time. I want to feel good in my body. I want to feel rested. I want to feel heart-full, not heart-broken. I want to feel peace. I do not want to feel broken.
I do sometimes, feel those good things but today I feel empty, angry, spent (and it is only 9:16 am....). I watched the video of Michele's keynote speech and it was wonderful and meaningful as they always are. I knew from before Ron died that I would have to live, that to live and to live well would be the best way to honor him. What I didn't know is how unfreakingbeliveabley hard that would be at times--often--most of the time.
I want a break. I wish I could set this life aside for a few minutes and pick up a different life. I wish it didn't all rest on me to create that new life. I wish I felt connected to someone. I wish I wasn't lonely. I want the longing to subside or I wish I could redirect the longing into something else, something positive. I am so tired. Stumbling along, moving forward, because life continues no matter what.
I want to feel calm, peaceful, self-assured, gracious and graceful. I want to be able to smile and laugh more. I used to be fun. I used to be the kind of person who organized my friends and created social gatherings. So much of the fun was in the planning and anticipating and then in the debriefing afterwards with Ron. My energy is pretty much used up in getting through the day to day of solo parenting and solo everything. I don't feel like I am very good company these days.
I am ready to dip a tiny toe into the dating pool but that is somewhat laughable as I have so little time right now to socialize with the friends that I have, I am not sure how anything/anyone new could be added.
I am going to have to put one of my dogs down soon. She is so old, so cranky and really hard to take care of. I've been doing it for months and now I realize that her quality of life is poor and that it would be the right thing to do. She was our "practice child" so to speak, and putting her down feels like closing a little more of the door to the life that Ron and I created.
I am starting to feel tired now. A different kind of tired that comes from having let a little of the angry air out, a little of the grief. So I thank you, WV, for giving me this space to vent. I am still angry and still feeling broken but I think I can start my work day now.
Hugs and love to all.