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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

"Carrying a Hole" - its an oxymoron. How does one carry a hole?

Usually when we think of carrying something we think of carrying weight, substance, bulk. How can one carry a hole? I guess we can carry something with a hole in it, but you cant carry just the hole. In the context of grief though, "Carrying a Hole" makes perfect sense. We carry a hole everywhere we go. A hole in our hearts, a hole in our lives where someone used to be. A hole in our beds, where our partners slept. A hole in our families, a hole in our social groups, a hole in our decisions, a hole in our holidays, a hole in our homes, a hole in our plans, a hole in our dreams, a hole in our sense of self.... Its a big hole and it is exhausting carrying it around.

You cant put it down either, for a breather. You cant fill it up or put a patch over it. You cant hand it to someone else. Maybe the hole shrinks a bit over time? Or does it just get easier to carry as we get stronger? I dont know, but I am sure tired of the hole that I carry.

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Comment by Pegasus on December 3, 2018 at 2:28am

You've written exactly what I've been feeling but hadn't been able to express.  It's been 5 months since I lost my husband of 47 years.  I'm 70 and truly believe that I'll be carrying this hole within me for the rest of my life.  It's too early to say yet whether I'll be able to adjust to the other holes you mentioned.  Right now the most difficult thing I face every day is when I pass through the living room.  That's where he watched his beloved financial and news channels, napped, paid bills, listened to my and our children's problems, gave advice, told jokes, ate, talked with visitors and where he died.  I wanted to sell the house so I wouldn't have to go through the living room anymore but my children want me to keep it.  We'll see.  I can't say whether the holes will shrink with time.  It's too soon to tell but, like you, carrying this hole is a heavy burden to bear.  I pray that you'll find relief soon.  

Comment by Luv4Z on November 23, 2018 at 5:21pm

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