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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Today, I had to deliver a "certificate of death" for my husband to an agency for a matter this is not important to mention here. As I sat in the parking lot, reviewing the form - it's facts and figures and names of those involved.  I've had to look at it many times before for other reasons that all of us here experience, so this time it was not as "surreal", "shocking" and traumatic for me as it was in the first days of this journey. I kind of mulled it over a bit, not sure why maybe just wondering why now I am not having the same violent reaction to it as I had before. For reasons unknown to me my eyes rested upon my name on the form. Yep, that's me, that's my name, in black and white. Then I realized that where my name is, above that it says SURVIVING SPOUSES NAME (If wife, give name prior to first marriage). Well no, that is not my maiden name in the box it is most certainly not. First I am irritated (because this isn't the first screw up that the funeral director made) and then I chuckle knowing that anyone reading this form who believes it is accurate is going to think that  a) I married my first cousin   or b) worse, I married my brother   or c) this is truly one of the biggest coincidences there is that you marry someone with the same last name as you.  Although being part Cajun, that is probably not as big a stretch as it might seem on my mom's side of the family. I've seen her geneology records and there are a lot of "Landry's" and "Boudreaux's" that are not technically related to each other.  But I digress.

This "certification" I understand as a necessary thing, and looking at it now, just 8 months past the worst day of my life I feel more a sense of formality about it, rather than the huge wave of heart twisting, gut stabbing pain I have been enduring these past 8 months. This formal, state sealed and certified document with its intricately swirled blue pattern around the edges is simply, a record of what happened.  It doesn't contain the details of what happened, over which I still have a significant amount of anger and unresolved feelings. No, this "formality" is just that. A form for all those unconcerned with my life to reference simple facts about his death, and to prove that indeed, it really did happen. My husband died that day on Feb.13th 2012 at 10:35pm. 

But I did not. And this is the crux of it.

He is gone, and I am here. So I am wondering now to myself, where is my "Certificate of Life"? Where is the form that gives me the permission, the courage, the energy and the will to keep on living through such pain and fear and guilt and worry and second guessing and longing and regret and remembering and losing and struggling?  Where is MY certificate?  I think it might be a good idea to have those. I think I will make one for myself. And it will say something like this:

Certificate of Life:

This certificate is hereby given to you in recognition of the continuance of your life without your husband. It happened this day, this hour, this minute, this place, etc.  You did not die with him although at times you will feel you have. You are certified as living. This means that you will most likely endure a great deal of pain from this loss, because, you are alive. You are certified as living, and therefore, you will have to find a way to accept this state of life, and to continue on living, because, you are indeed, alive.

This certificate of life also entitles you to treat yourself as living, meaning to participate in life (to the best of your ability) as much as possible given the circumstances surrounding your present state of living. It also certifies that since you are living, you deserve all the good things that life has to offer (as soon as you are ready to accept them) because, you are in fact, alive. You are entitled breathe, cry, scream, sulk, yell, work, eat, play, sing, dance, sleep, smile, laugh and dream. You may participate in anything you wish that life has to offer because, you are alive.

Be sure to show this certificate to anyone who questions your behavior, and be sure to look at it yourself as well - to remind yourself that you are ALIVE.

I think I will print my certificate on some very fancy paper, and frame it and put it up on the wall next to the pictures of Paul and I - because I need reminding. 

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Comment by BEC on July 14, 2015 at 4:40am

Thanks I really needed that !

Comment by MissingRKK on March 13, 2015 at 9:19am

Still love this, Ali! xxoo

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 14, 2014 at 6:36pm

It has been two and a half years since i wrote this...and it is still hard.  To accept this theory..this way of life. To understand and give myself permission to be human, and flawed, and imperfect.  And to know, with all my heart that just as I am right at this moment is exactly who I am supposed to me. To not make excuses for myself, to keep saying I am sorry, to keep trying to pretend that I need to be "better" or that I need to be more "appropriate" or whatever.  The truth is...I am who I am right now. And that is good enough. Good enough for me, and God, and whoever else I run across. It's ok to laugh, to make mistakes. And it does not make me any less of a person, or a woman.  I am ALIVE. And that means I am going to make mistakes over and over again. Because I am pretty sure that is the whole point.  ((hugs)) to myself and all of us.  We are OK just like we are right now.  Damage and all. 

Comment by rodsgurl09 on June 4, 2013 at 4:10pm

(((Ali))) I need one too!!

Comment by Cristina on June 4, 2013 at 4:04pm

Wow, Ali.

Comment by Suz on March 4, 2013 at 3:52pm

Well, you helped a lot of the rest of us, Ali!

Hugs, Sweetie!

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on March 3, 2013 at 6:01pm

Thank you to those of you that have posted on this blog...it is something that I have to keep reminding myself. The reason it hits home with us, is because it was real, raw, and "in the moment"..I didn't think about this topic, I didn't "plan" to write about this..it was something that came from a different place, that "soul" place when you have that "ah ha" moment. We have so much red tape and crap to deal with as widows/widowers that we forget about OUR needs.  I haven't had a lot of "ah ha's" since I wrote this, so I haven't posted many blogs.  Mostly, it's been 3 steps forward, two steps back..but still moving forward. Peace and Love to All..

Comment by Suz on March 3, 2013 at 4:10pm

Ali,

I know you didn't do this to be a "good piece of writing" but, man, it is one of the best and wisest I have ever seen!

<3

Suz

Comment by jjordan on March 3, 2013 at 8:04am

I loved this blog the first time I read it, and I loved reading it again.  Thanks for bringin it back up again.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on March 2, 2013 at 8:20pm

This is such a great blog post, Ali. I'm glad you took another look at it and brought it back up for some of our new members to see.  

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