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Christmas and holiday season always difficult.

Haven’t written for a while. Always difficult during the holiday season.  Just returned from a two week holiday with my daughters. It was a lovely escape after the Christmas rush. But now we are back home and reality strikes when you realise how much I really miss my husband and the girls their dad it is so quiet without him. But life must go on.

Christmas is still hard. Since my late husband passed 4 years ago, I would often go and see his mum and his sisters would often be there. So good chance for my girls to see their dads family. I would often had to push them as often they didn’t want to go. I mainly went for them and my husband. But it’s come to the point when I was going and my in-laws would often ignore me make me feel unwelcome, or I would often call my mother in law and she would often be cold towards me over the phone to the point I would end up crying after talking to her. And couple of times hanging up on me. She refuses to come and visit us (only comes on my daughters  birthdays) but always expected me to go over. Sad but to this day feel they don’t want me part of the family, often mother in law said “girls are family” or “you have your family and I have mine”.

I feel they blame me for my husbands passing, they never showed compassion or empathy towards me and never offered support after asking for it. It’s come to the stage girls to don’t want to go anymore. I mainly went for the girls took them for her birthday, Easter and made sure we dropped in Christmas just to see her. She only visited once in the last year. I feel emotionally abused by her treatment. Feel like I am grieving again.  Only her youngest daughter has tried to catch up but when I have mention the treatment from her mum or sister she tries to make excuses or puts the blame on me why aren’t I am going to her mums more often. 

No one from my in-laws has given me any support since my husband passed their son or brother. That’s why I moved to live close to my family. Which thank God have been amazing, they often call, pop in, invite us for holidays, and asks if I am ok. Sadly my in-laws hate me for moving out to be close to my family when they wouldn’t pop in to see how we were when we lived close by or if we needed anything.  It’s come to the stage I feel uncomfortable and unwelcome when visiting. If you were me would you distant yourself or continue to accept this treatment? My girls teenagers don’t want to visit.

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Comment by Lintiga on January 20, 2020 at 3:40pm

Thanks so much SewCraftiMT for your lovely comment. Hope you are well. Firstly I looked after my husband during his illness and made sure ain’t was there for my girls. Until now I always tried to please others, make others happy. Now I must put myself first as many others only think of themselves. I need to be strong and healthy for me and my girls. Hope you are doing ok. ❤️

Comment by SewCraftiMT on January 20, 2020 at 12:32pm

You loved your husband and he is with God now. It's time to take care of yourself and no allow others to make you feel bad. Spend your time with your family and find new activities to bring you joy. 

God Bless

Comment by Lintiga on January 19, 2020 at 9:15pm

Thanks so much Rainy (Misty) for your comment and advise. Hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year’s Day. 

It is always hard this time of season. We went away for a few weeks with my daughters, another sister in law and two nephews.  I did take my daughters to see their grandmother Christmas Eve before we went away. I forced the girls to go. We didn’t stay long as she hardly talks to me and the girls feel uncomcortable. She always tells me she dosnt go out she dosn’t visit her daughters. But she was ready to be picked up to go to her eldest daughters place for Christmas Eve which we weren’t invited. She refuses to visit us. She last visited us in December 2018.

Her eldest daughter in law also has disrespected me many times. Once when I had mentioned how lovely it would have been to have been united at my husbands one month and 12month anniversary masses I had invited them to come over for pizzas after the mass my mother in law invited many in attendance at the mass to her place after the mass. I was left on the church steps in tears when I found out. When I questioned this to my sister in law she said that her mother was on the verge of a brink if something happened to her the responsibility was on me. This should never been said to a stranger let alone a widow sister in law.

my girls don’t drive and now they are old enough or see the way they have disrespected our little family.  I have asked many times for them to go or call. But they don’t want to. Like you said I don’t want to push them or else they too will continue suffering.

I have gone there there many times since my husbands passing but often been ignored or unwelcomed like I don’t exist in their eyes anymore. And when someone says “you have your family and I have mine”. Not once but many times. How could I put myself through such another hardship in my life. The hard thing I used to call her many times; but again she always seemed bitter and angry at me when I call. Often ending up in tears.  So I stopped calling. She calls occasionally but it isn’t sincere she calls just to see how girls are. If I say I hadn’t been well she won’t say really how come, or are you working, or never asks if you need anything. It’s like a stranger calling. If she really cared she would come spend time with us after inviting her many times. To this day she refused.

At the end it’s not a competition who is suffering the most they should have been there for the girls and me. Just like when my dad passed away many years ago his mum my grandmother used to come spend time with my mum and siblings. They were always there for my mum.

we weren’t divorced with my husband, we were married for nearly 18 years. He passed away and I became a widow. They never acknowledged this.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on January 18, 2020 at 5:25pm

URGH!  That sounds so painful. I'm sorry you are feeling that way.

You asked "if it were you" so I'm telling you what I'd do.  If they are driving, I'd send them over with some cookies or something and ask them to say Happy Holidays for you.  Beyond that, I'd encourage them to go see/call them more often....  before my child could drive I'd ask her often have you spoken to(older half) bro? Would you like to go down there? etc. I never forced her to go.  She has one Aunt who's out of state that actively tries to keep up with my daughter.  She is elderly, my daughter loves her but has nothing in common with her.  I make sure she remembers to send a text/call at least once every few months.  I know this is confusing but her dad died 2 weeks before my husband.  We had a really rough patch.  Her dad and I had been divorced for years.

I said all of that to say if they don't like going because of the generational gap I'd tell them to suck it up because grandmas have feelings too.  However, if they truly see a slight and are often made to feel like less than equal to the rest of the grandkids then I wouldn't force it because their feelings matter too.  
As do yours, if I was ever told this: 

 mother in law said “girls are family” or “you have your family and I have mine”.  I'd say peace out mom in law.  Then, if the kids want to see her drop them off and enjoy a day of shopping until time to pick them up again or let them drive themselves. 

I sincerely hope you let go of whatever hateful things that have been said to you and chalk it up to their ignorance.  Find comfort in those that do NOT push you away and forgive/forget those that don't.  We all can attest life is to short to be giving any of it to ppl no matter who they are, that don't appreciate what you bring to the table so to speak.   

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