Have you gotten to the point that you can see clearly? Do you know what you need to do to march beyond the grief into a future that is full of mystery and possibilities, yet be afraid to make a move towards your goal?
I'm at that point, I am so tired of living between worlds. I'm tired of moods that change as easily as the tide. However, to me, it seems it takes a whole bunch of courage to move into the great unknown. I have never had the courage to really put myself out there to either sink or swim so to speak. So, now that I actually have no choice (it's either learn to swim or drown) I feel entirely paralyzed and vulnerable. How do you muster the courage move toward change? I really am at a conundrum, as to how to take a leap of faith or where to start. Maybe it's between God and me. I don't know. Hopefully, He'll shove me in the right direction, because I certainly need more than a gentle nudge. I actually don't think taking the step has anything to do with grief. I've always lacked self-confidence. A point in time will come (hopefully soon) that Jerry's death will catapult me into being the person I always wished I could be. I have no other option, as I won't allow myself to drown. For those of you who, switched gears, went back to school, took a trip, or reinvented yourself in any way, I admire you! I would so love the inspiration of reading your story of transformation! (READ AS A SHAMELESS BEG FOR YOU TO SHARE)
It's really a joyous landmark to be able to see clearly with an awareness that I AM ALIVE. There was a time when I thought I was the epitome of the walking dead. I'm sure there are many who felt the same and more to come that are still in the early fog of grief feeling only half alive. I clearly remember the utter devastation that washed over me after Jerry died. I remember the distinct horror of feeling dead and left behind. I suppose I'm lucky in a way; I realized pretty early on that I needn't hold on to that feeling, that I AM indeed very much ALIVE and it was actually MY choice to live with a purpose or to die a new death with each day. That certainly doesn't mean I have to stop missing Jerry or let him go. I'll never let Jerry go, he was very much loved and a part of who I am today. I will, however, move forward with him in my heart. He would expect no less. I have never let him down while he was living, I don't see why I would let him down now of all times. The very last thing I can do for Jerry is to honor the love HE had for ME. Does anyone else feel the same? How do you honor you're love/life? I'm sure there are so many different ways to honor your past life, it's a personal thing, as we all love differently. I ask because it has helped me grieve and feel like I've found a way to stay connected to Jerry-to think of what I can do for Jerry now and what can Jerry do for ME now. It's important for me to find meaning in the life we had and the death of it.
For me, LIVING with purpose and searching for personal joy is an ongoing way to keep Jerry, connected and more importantly to keep him in my heart without sadness that he isn't but instead with the same jocular feelings that his personality exuded. If you haven't found a way to stay connected, please give it some thought. I can't express how much better I feel now, that I'm satisfied I have an ongoing connection with my love.
I'm including a video because it's a whole new twist on an old song and the video is a perfect match what this post is about. Also, because I just adore this little girl.