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I have had some really interesting conversations recently regarding the words “closure” and “journey”, so regularly used when discussing the state of my widowed status. I’ve used those exact words myself many times, casually flipped out there like a business card to anyone who is interested. Just for the sake of conversation, I looked up the Merriam-Webster official descriptions of these two heavily over-used nouns:

Closure: a feeling that a bad experience (such as a divorce or the death of a family member) has ended and that you can start to live again in a calm and normal way

So, umm, let me think for a moment … my wife died after we were together for 35 years (yup, a bad experience, her dying that is, not the 35 years), so while her being next to me ended, my memories and her impacts on me will never end. I haven’t stopped living, in spite of Bunny being gone, and living in a calm and normal way? Truthfully, I have no idea what the hell that means.

Calm and normal was when she was alive and healthy. Calm and normal would be me coming home from work to find her sitting in her studio working on one of the designs, a dog on her lap, the TV blaring, with her talking on the phone to who-the-heck-knows and then me getting shoo’d away when I kissed her on the top of the head because I was interrupting this delicate balance of work, yakking and the nightly news. After 35 years, that was calm and normal. So I can’t go back to calm and normal, no how, no way.

Now, just about two years from the start of the really significant decline in Bunny’s health, when the whole world went to crap, I can say that I’m calm. Or, calmer than I was when she was in trouble and fading. But it’s not a calm in the way that it’s suggested in that casually flipped out phrase. It’s entirely different.

And normal? There will never be the normal that I knew for well over half of my life. That ship has sailed away and will not return. Normal now is a completely different set of parameters than it was in the past, not necessarily better or worse, but most definitely different.

So, do I have closure? Nope, not by that definition …

 

Journey: an act or instance of traveling from one place to another

Bunny’s death wasn’t any type of journey. It was getting full body slammed by the entire defensive line of the NY Giants for the 4th time, directed by her nemesis, cancer. There was no trip, no longer any forward progress, just a huge F-U by a seriously pissed off group of cancer cells that were sick and tired of her beating them down. Her “journey” stopped with the proclamation “stage 4 metastatic cancer”. Stopped dead in its tracks.

My journey? I guess when actually thinking about it, I’ve always assumed a journey implied something with a bit more positive ending than “I’m sorry for your loss”. How about the word “detour?” Now that might bear some fruit, because I’ve rarely taken a detour that wasn’t lousy in some way or the other. It always slowed me down, made me late, ticked me off and generally was not a positive thing.

All of that being said, I think I’m giving “closure” and “journey” the old heave-ho from my daily lexicon. While I generally try to look at a poor circumstance and seek a way to not get stuck in the quagmire of whatever the bad stuff might be, I’m very sure that there will never be any closure for me with my wife dying. Period. I’ll learn to live with it but it is not closure in any way.

Bunny’s journey instantly imploded, stopped right in its tracks. I’ll continue to live, moving forward and living out my life. But it’s not a journey; it’s a whole brand new trip. I’m lucky to be able to have found another partner to travel with as we explore completely new things. She, too, had a journey come to a screeching halt … “sorry Miss, it’s the end of the line, the journey is over” and will have no closure, either. But together we can go in a whole new direction and we’re taking our departed spouses with us every step of the way, grateful for the many years we had and equally grateful for the new opportunities that await us.

For me, getting bogged down in platitudes like closure and journey do a significant disservice to both the wonderful 35 years I had with Bunny and to the possibilities that await me as I start my next chapter. I’m finding that thinking of my existence as a series of chapters in an on-going life more accurately describes how I view the world and aids in my ability to get past the bad stuff and keep on living. I can look for closure or I can go on to the next chapter, where the next part of my life is awaiting me. So I’m turning the page, excited to see what is in this next chapter, but remembering every detail of the story line that I’ve already read.

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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on September 12, 2016 at 5:12pm

Love your writing, Pointbass.  Even though the word 'journey' is part of my blog title, I get your point. I don't like 'closure' or 'moving on' either, but I'll admit they've slipped out a time or two. The word 'journey' felt rather comforting to me in those early days when I was faced with living alone for the first time in my life at 59. I saw it as moving forward into this new life and whatever it was going to hold. Semantics, I guess. I agree that my 41 years with Vern and those 4+ hard cancer years can never be described with just a word or two. Chapters work really well. Thanks.

Comment by widow85 on September 12, 2016 at 11:24am

Hear, hear. While we're at it, let's throw in the "moving on" towel, too.

I had some lovely advice from a widowed acquaintance, that she considered that she started a second life as a different person after the death of her husband. Similar to your "end of the line" description. 

Comment by barbee on August 28, 2016 at 10:38am

Thank you, Pointbass, for saying it like it is for many of us. For me there can never be closure, but there will always be loss. For me, journey means hopping into the motor home and exploring more of this country. Grief is something I need to leave behind to be healthy.

Keep writing -- you make good sense!

Comment by Rockon on August 27, 2016 at 1:55pm

WOW! AWESOME! Very well thought out and put into words. THANK-YOU for lifting my spirit and giving me hope. Your words just make complete sense Pointbass. Keep writing as your words are inspiring. I am in this for over 6 years and still looking for direction and guidance. It's folks like you that keep us tuned-in and just keeping on.    

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