Commiserating versus Edification

Comment

Comment by Susan B on October 27, 2012 at 11:13pm

well said SW and Ali. We all find the balance that exists for ourselves only. There is no other path than our own. But it's DAMN nice to have others walking nearby!

Comment by hendrixx2 on October 24, 2012 at 3:02pm

Hi SW,

It is interesting what you posit, yes, at what point do we end one and begin the other?  Are we aware of the situation, and if we are, how do we know when, to do what/which....it is something i have been aware of frm the start; with my first thoughts being ''...i do not want to become a grief junkie...'', not truly understanding then, this will always be with me in a very profound manner. To the extent that I can understand and try to recognize that point...for the moment, I'm trying to define it for myself, first...how much i participate in defining, or recognizing it in others, I think that can only be dealt with in associations where some measure of time has been invested...none the less, your point is quite valid and well appreciated by me (making me think again sw...)...thanx 

Comment by Jerry on October 22, 2012 at 8:26pm

I have been on this and another bereavement site for awhile. I often think to myself if reading the posts and occasionally writing is keeping me focused on my grief. I have welcomed some new members and written some questions and replies to other members. I have learned that many of my thoughts and actions since my wife passed away are shared with others in the same situation.By reading SpiritWalkers blog post and the replies shows me that some of the other members here have similar thoughts about this .

Comment by carolynne on October 22, 2012 at 1:02pm

Great post. I have found that at times on my journey I have had to step back for a while. I love being here and that we all empathize with one another, I love having the ability to commune with people who truly understand the journey, and I love being able to lend a guiding hand to those who are newer to the journey, during the times when I am in a good place. But occasionally I have found that I revert to darker places, and then I stay away for a while, while I try to seek out the light again. I love knowing that I can always come back. I love seeing the progress my widda sistas (and brothers) have made in finding the light in their journeys. I think the important thing for me is knowing when the sadness is becoming overwhelming and I need to take a hiatus.

Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on October 22, 2012 at 11:01am

All great responses,  I find it hepful here.  I was in a very dark place when I joined. Through the kindness and understanding here, I found out I was not alone, I was not crazy.. and mainly I founf HOPE. People were gentle and understanding.  I can feel another's pain, but undertsand where they are coming from. I don't make it my own Pain, but do hope I can pass on some of thei wise advice and empathy I found here.

I love this site, as no one is judging, and you can be truthful. I can express a bad or good day. I have learned much through others sharing, have "food for thought" and hopefully "play it forward" by Understanding others here.

No I do not want to wallow in grief... we each have our own ways of dealing with this journey, but sometimes seeing how someone else is coping, gives me hope, ideas and thoughts for my own journey

 

Comment by Suz on October 21, 2012 at 9:02pm

Great blog, SW. And great response, Ali. Putting both together, I do think that we can empathize without commiserating, though I do think it takes a considerable amount of discernment. I also think we need to learn to step back without judgment of another, if something is not good for ourselves. I also think we need a chance to express negative emotions and that helps us (hopefully) move on.

That being said, one of the things I love about this board is having people who are one month out and one year out and five years out. I believe it is normal to feel bereft or angry or oversensitive or helpless at certain parts of our journey and it is good to have others who are feeling the same thing. The real magic, though, is seeing someone who once felt that way and had now moved on to such a better place. I swear I have seen some real miracles on this board and I don't think they would have happened without some acceptance or lack of judgement.

I think you both have presenting some very thoughtful ideas, some of the best I have read since I have been here.

Thanks and hugs,

Suz

Comment by kshy on October 21, 2012 at 8:48pm

I too, think this is a very important question to ask. I for one, am thankful this community exists, for the many reasons that Ali pointed out...but in being true to my own process, I try to honor how much of my own venting and "commiserating" with others is good for me, and balance that with (hopefully) also being able to provide support and encouragement to others. I don't want to wallow in grief, or remain in such a devastated state forever, but so few people "outside " of this community really understand how hard such a loss is. So I find comfort here with people who can relate. But again, I try to balance it with continuing to do things with people who aren't as entrenched in a loss, and that helps too. Just as our process through grief is unique, so are the ways I which we try to cope, and get through it.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on October 21, 2012 at 8:20pm

Interesting questions SW. I am of the mindset that we don't place others pain, hurt, nor anything else "above" our own, but equal to ours. Because if I feel I am placing someone else's needs above my own, and then also feeling like it is my responsibility to do something to guide them or to help them recover, I can wind up feeling upset or disappointed if they do not take my advice, or behave the way I think they should.  This grief journey is intensely personal, and each person must find their own way and their own path and their own answers.  Having said that, as a member of a peer support group, I am just that - a peer. I am one of "us". The best and most important thing i can do to provide support to others (the same support I have been given) is to listen, empathize, and validate. Perhaps offer suggestions, but certainly not try to determine what that person needs. I can only do that for myself. I cannot take responsibility for anyone else's thoughts, feelings, actions or reactions - only my own. I share my personal experiences through blogs mostly for myself, but the value is that those writings can sometimes resonate with another and then we get to exchange thoughts and ideas with each other. Having said that, yes, it is also a responsibility here to try to share as much positive as I can, but that isn't always the truth of my life or of others here at WV.  So, I value truth above all else.  We are all at different points on our journey, and those points may include some very negative emotions. Some of my writings or comments or chats can be angry, sad or confused - which to me is a reflection of this emotional journey I am on.

Having my WV friends here to listen to all those "taboo" emotions and thoughts without judgement or having someone try to talk me out of my feelings is of immeasurable value to me on this grief journey.  And I feel it is one of the reasons that I AM healing and being able moving forward.