A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Why do we insist on commiserating on the pain we feel when we loose the one we love? Not that i am saying to commiserate is a bad thing...just has been a question i find myself asking over the years. To commiserate is to: bewail together, to feel pity together, and to feel wretched together! When taken in this form it denotes the places i have found myself on and off over the last 4 years. Grief is something that we can share just so far; we know how we feel and we can even identify with another's pain as they enter the door we entered some time back. We find ourselves putting forth efforts to consol and direct others as they follow behind. But, before long if we are not careful we will find ourselves commisreating in thier grief, and find ourselves dragged back to feelings we thought we had left behind...and maybe falling into a pit that we can never climb out of..
It is never wrong to help another and to give them a shoulder to lean on....It is a healthy form of recovery and can help us as we walk further away from the moment of our inclusion in this group of people whom have lost our most precious connection. To commiserate can be a healthy thing....but the questions that needs be asked: Do i feel better in this interaction? Am I raising them up or are they bringing me down? Are we promoting a healthy direction in each other? Am I the better for this? Are they better for this? Or are we only hurting one another? Does what i say bring a peace to this person? Is it bringing peace to me? Or am I being dragged back to that place of pain and rememberance? Am I edififying myself and also edifying them? Am I truly allowing myself to recover, heal, accept and move forward?
Edification: to enlighten, educate, illuminate, inspire, and nurture.... to esteem you higher than i do myself. To place your feelings, concerns, pain, and hurt above and before my own. Am I offering you the help you need? Am I really here for you? I have had to ask myself these questions over and over...I have had to allow for the facts that no i wasn't where i needed to be...nor ready to move on...or recover..heal..and accept. I had to find a place of balance and awareness of my own shortcomings...and allow for my own failures in this grief business....I have had to step back and allow myself to be edified...and learn that there has to be a healthy balance...if i am to heal and accept....and offer that in return.
and most of all..I had to ask the question am i edifying or commiserating?