Six months into this grief journey. One week shy of six months into this new job. And I finally had my first unscheduled time off due to my grief today. Honestly, I’m pretty proud of that. Yes, I’ve taken a planned mental health day here or there.
Sleeping poorly the past couple weeks has finally caught up to me. My energy tank was depleted to Empty. First, both girls were in bed with me all night. One of the girls woke up at 3 from a bad dream. I got her calmed down, but it resulted in the other girl waking up and needing a drink. I clicked on the salt lamp for a nightlight, and away she went to the bathroom. Of course, this woke up the dog. So he thought it was time to get up and go outside like he does every morning. I let him out for a few minutes. He came right in, but didn’t want to settle down. No one did. Tossing and turning from all 3 littles in my bed. They just could not settle down and go back to sleep. Which means I didn’t either.
I don’t remember hearing the grandfather clock chime for 5am, but I heard every other hour and half-hour from 3 to 7. So I know I didn’t fall back asleep, at least not deeply. I got to work and was just dragging. Two scoops of matcha green tea and never felt the caffeine buzz. By 11, I was getting dizzy and finding it impossible to concentrate on my work. I came home for lunch and took a little cat nap. Alarm went off at 12:45, I snoozed it until 12:55. I got up but still felt really “off” - I figured I was still trying to wake up. Grabbed some lunch out of the fridge to heat up at work and drove back to work. I was incredibly dizzy and also very nauseated on the drive. I sat in my car after I parked for a minute before I went inside. I didn’t even clock back in. I went to a coworker and told her what was going on and that I was going to send out an email and go home.
So I wrote the email. Subject: Going home. Body: “I don’t feel well… don’t worry, it’s not contagious. I have not been sleeping well and it finally caught up to me. I’ve been up since 3. Sorry. Assistants, I shouldn’t need anyone to cover anything. I can catch up tomorrow.” I came home and slept until 6.
We joke about it in chat - that people think we’re contagious. It’s somewhat true though. In this case, I work in fairly close quarters with 16 other people. We had the flu push through there twice just since I got hired.
But really - I would like to send out a memo to my whole world sometimes. I’m not contagious! You don’t need to avoid me. My husband’s death won’t rub off on y’all! I’m not a bad luck charm. I’m not the grim reaper. I can’t transmit this to you. I understand that it’s uncomfortable to you to think about losing your spouse. How uncomfortable do you think it is for me to actually have to walk this path? I’m not imagining it… I’m living it. No one ever talks to me about it. They just do the generic responses: “You’re so strong.” “You’re handling this so well.” “I don’t know how you do it.” blah blah blah.
Thankfully I have friends who let me talk, but rarely do I do so outside of WidVille. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer. I know it sucks to hear about, because it sucks to talk about. There’s a meme - if I find it in my phone, I’ll add it to this blog. Basically, no matter who you’re surrounded by, you have to walk this grief path alone. Yes, God’s got me. But I’ve got to go through it, with Him by my side. There’s a lesson to be learned here, and I want to keep my heart and mind open to learn it. I want to be a light… a city on the hill. May my testimony show others the grace and mercy that God can provide for everyone.
Anywho, that went a little different direction than I’d intended. Hopefully it’s what someone needed to read.