I'm approaching the 5 year sadversary since Kevin died. I knew that this significant amount of time would probably have a great affect on me. I also knew that running my Kickstarter campaign to raise funds to publish our love and loss memoir and having it end on that 5 year sadversary would trigger things. I prepared myself as much as possible by cheering myself on, but I didn't think much beyond that.
Last night I had a date night with NH and I felt myself pushing away from him. Trying to find something wrong with him, our marriage. I hated myself for that, I still do. This morning I tried to figure out if it was just the 5 year sadversary that was triggering this, or something else. That's when I realized that NH and I have been together about 1.5 weeks longer than LH and I were together. And I figure that triggered a whole lot more than I can imagine.
I've been exhausted, emotional, moody, and not a nice person to be around. I've been really unhappy with myself, with my actions, with my callousness to others and their situations and I think this is why. I think I'm expecting the other shoe to drop. I think I'm angry I only got 3.5 lovely years with my LH and I think I'm just pissed off.
Man, this sucks. I really dont' miss grief. I "got away" from it for a while, and here it is, sucking me down like quicksand. I can visualize my body, mind, soul, being sucked into that grief pit, pulled down by all sorts of evil. I hate it.