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Before Tom died, I hardly ever cried. Even when he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, I didn’t cry much. He was crying a lot, and I felt had to be strong and positive, or he would have felt even worse. I tried to offset his crying by not crying. When I did cry, it was in my car, alone, when it was dark.

Now I’m a sap. I cry at the drop of a hat. I can be fine, and suddenly some small occurrence, a memory or song, and conversation will bring on the tears. I cry violently sometimes at home by myself – really let it rip. Yeah, cry me a river.

I don’t know if this is temporary or the new me. I have a feeling I will remain a crier moving forward. I’m still not real comfortable crying in front of others, but sometimes it comes over me and I can’t stop it. I always feel a little better after it happens.

When Tom was dying, some of our closest friends or family would cry in front of me. It almost made me mad, because I wouldn’t let myself cry freely. I was never a public crier.  But looking back, I wish I hadn’t been so stoic and wept openly instead of holding it inside, my throat tight, my heart aching.

I regret not crying with Tom in the early days of his illness when he walked around the house saying repeatedly that he loved me and was sorry — like this horrible illness, his nightmarish fate — was his fault. I wish I would have embraced him and cried hard.

I don’t have too much remorse about how I handled the year Tom was sick and died, but I wish I didn’t hold back the tears. I would have been better off for it.

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Comment by wildflower on March 31, 2014 at 7:51pm

yes I agree.  Can't cry in front of others.  Need to be alone.  although I have cried on the phone with family.  and even though I tried not to cry in front of my huisband there were a few times I did.  One morning at 3:00a.m. I went in the bathroom to cry and he heard me.  With all he was going through he was able to comfort me.  Wish he was here now to comfort me.

Comment by only1sue on March 31, 2014 at 3:06pm

Yes, me too.  Crying in public was never my thing, but now I howl at home and there is great relief in that.  Sometimes we put too good a face on things, no wonder our friends think we are okay and there is no need to offer us a helping hand.

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