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Crying............Please God let this phase start winding down........
On July 1, 2010 I was still in a phase of my life where I honestly could not remember the last time I had cried. If you had asked me that day, I might have referenced a date months earlier or I may have even responded with a puzzled look as I tried to figure it out. These days I don't have that problem. I can hardly imagine a day without tears. Right now I can tell you that I last cried within the last hour. I woke up happy today. The day started out great and I felt like I was on top of the world. Made it half way through the day before things started to bring me down. It started with my 7 yr old son telling me he wanted a new family, that he wanted me to GIVE him to a family with a dad. This was in response to me reminding him that I can't control if, when, or with whom I will fall in love again after he told me he needed a dad with kids for the umpteenth time. Then closely on the heels of this I remembered about the year that Jason recorded me a voicemail every day for the entire month of December. Telling me every day one reason why he loved me. I saved them for years. One by one they started biting the dust a few years back. I would miss the deadline to re-save them or accidentally delete one. Then the remainder were decimated when we had to change over our voicemail to a new system. They were deleted in the migration. It hit me like a ton of bricks today that I would never hear those reasons again. That I would never hear his voice in my ear again, telling me anything, ever. Those are just the reasons for the today's tears. One of these days I am going to make it through a day without shedding tears. Hopefully it will be tomorrow.
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Comment by Lori on January 16, 2013 at 12:17am -
you will sandy then two ....then when you cry again you will remember it has been days and the hope is shining bright again.
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Comment by jimmysdaddy (John) on January 14, 2013 at 9:48pm -
I can't imagine, well wait, yes I can, how bad you'd feel about losing those messages. I still have the last three text messages my wife ever sent me. I cherish them. I have a couple of notes too. Plus a copy of a radio show she hosted. They're all like gold to me. Hang in there Jen. I'm glad you're my friend!
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Comment by MyNewLife on January 14, 2013 at 5:14am -
Ahhh, the tears. I too wake up crying, my pillow wet. I don't usually remember my dreams, I long for a happy dream where David visits. But I agree, the tears come frequently, and sometimes even when I'm out in public or sitting at my desk at work. It's hard but the tears represent your grief. They're good tears. Grieving is healthy. (((Jen)))
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Comment by MissingRKK on January 13, 2013 at 8:23pm -
(Jen)) I am sorry. It is so hard to have to take care of your own grief and a child's.
Ali- I wake uo with so much salt/sand in the corner of my eyes and under them and half the time I don't realize that I have been crying in the night. I literally think that the only good thing about all these tears is that I have gotten fewer sinus infections than usual.
Hang on, Jen. (Hugs)!
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on January 13, 2013 at 7:33pm -
((Jen)) So sorry you have lost those voicemails..but i bet, you still remember what he said. Still, it is so hard to know these things...and on top of that to be a single mom with a grieving child. I sometimes wake up with salt crust on my eyes from the night before crying. But those mornings are getting less..the pain is less intense..the ability to deal with life is getting better, and there are even some "happy" days now. Hang in there. Breathe. ((hugs))
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Comment by dazed on January 13, 2013 at 6:53pm -
I never knew the human body could shed to many tears!
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