A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
On July 1, 2010 I was still in a phase of my life where I honestly could not remember the last time I had cried. If you had asked me that day, I might have referenced a date months earlier or I may have even responded with a puzzled look as I tried to figure it out. These days I don't have that problem. I can hardly imagine a day without tears. Right now I can tell you that I last cried within the last hour. I woke up happy today. The day started out great and I felt like I was on top of the world. Made it half way through the day before things started to bring me down. It started with my 7 yr old son telling me he wanted a new family, that he wanted me to GIVE him to a family with a dad. This was in response to me reminding him that I can't control if, when, or with whom I will fall in love again after he told me he needed a dad with kids for the umpteenth time. Then closely on the heels of this I remembered about the year that Jason recorded me a voicemail every day for the entire month of December. Telling me every day one reason why he loved me. I saved them for years. One by one they started biting the dust a few years back. I would miss the deadline to re-save them or accidentally delete one. Then the remainder were decimated when we had to change over our voicemail to a new system. They were deleted in the migration. It hit me like a ton of bricks today that I would never hear those reasons again. That I would never hear his voice in my ear again, telling me anything, ever. Those are just the reasons for the today's tears. One of these days I am going to make it through a day without shedding tears. Hopefully it will be tomorrow.