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Dating...Ugggh!
By the time I am done writing this, I am pretty sure that I will feel as though I am standing in front of the world naked. But this is an important one. Not only for me to have this chance to admit that I am interested in dating, but also to help other widows know that IT IS OK to want to do this. My husband died, I didn't. I have had a significant loss, but I still have a life to live, and I want to spend it with someone that makes me happy. I don't know who or where he is, but he is out there somewhere.....
Dating for me is like being in a foreign country and having no idea how to speak the language and no map to help get me where I want to go. It is foreign territory, no question. The last time I started a relationship I was 17, it wasn't a hard thing to do and it lasted for almost 25 years. The greatest gift Brian could have given me before he died was the knowledge that he wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to find someone who would love me and our kids like he did, and he gave me the permission to do it and not feel guilty about it. I don't know if I would be where I am if he hadn't done that.
So, in this day and age, the thing to do is to be on a dating site, and I have to tell you there are a lot of scary people out there.....no, DO NOT call me HOTTIE...eeeew! Anyway, a few weeks ago, the morning after I put up a profile on a dating site I had a message from someone who said: "Beautifully written, heart felt profile! You must be an amazing woman!" I looked at his profile and thought, "Wait, this guy is interested in ME?" He was really good looking..... We ended up messaging back and forth all day, and when I say all day, it was from 9:00 am to 11:30 pm and it was one of the best days I have had in a LONG time. HE couldn't WAIT to talk to me, to meet me, and that felt good. One of the things that he asked me in our conversation that day was how long I had been alone. He didn't say single, he didn't say widowed, he said alone. That question in itself made me feel as though he may actually have some understanding, and it impressed me. I gave him the simple answer. My husband died September 3, 2011. But the real answer to that question is not as simple.
Brian fell in our room July 13, 2011 and he never came home again. I just passed the one year mark of that day, and it was a hard day for me. For 7 weeks before his death I was alone, running around crazy making sure he was ok and our kids were taken care of. It was not an easy time. Then there is the deeper answer to that question. I have been emotionally alone for much longer. I can't put a time frame on that, but I can remember thinking a year before Brian died "Will I ever be happy again?" That is hard to admit. I was hoping at the time that we would be able to finally get rid of his cancer and I would be happy with him, but that was not to be. So much of our lives were spent dealing with his cancer and pain that we lost some of what we were. He did his best to be there for me, but I was often put last, behind everyone else, while at the same time I put everyone else first. I crave that communication and intimacy that I haven't had for so long. I miss those things the most.
When I finally met this guy, he was so much better looking in person than he was in his pictures that I was actually intimidated by that fact. Unfortunately, the story does not have a happy ending, at least not the ending I was hoping for, and I will likely never see him again. Like I said, dating is foreign to me and I made some mistakes. Some small, others not so small and one huge, ugly one. When I told my closest friends what I had done, they looked at me and said "You? Really? I don't see you doing that....." While I am sure you are all curious as to what this faux-pas was, I am not going to tell you. Suffice it to say it was NOT my shining hour.....but it was something that is so COMPLETELY out of my character that I can't believe I did it. The worst part about it is that I gave him the impression that I am someone I am not, and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I am a fixer, and it drives me crazy to know that he has this impression of who I am that is so completely not me.
I talked with another widow the other night about the whole situation and she had some very good points. First she pointed out that as widows this is all new to us. We will make mistakes and unfortunately we may not know it was a mistake until we have made it. Her view is that if we are with the right person, they will talk to us about those mistakes realizing that we are in uncharted territory, and not hold it against us. I guess I didn't have the right guy....
There was a spark, and I tried too hard to fan the flame and instead I put it out. My friends tell me that he isn't worth another thought, that he does not know the real me and that it is his loss. Friends are supposed to say those kinds of things, and I know they mean it, so why does it feel like I am losing? It feels like I am losing because there really did seem to be something genuine there. I am a strong woman, and I know what I want and I don't think he liked that. What he doesn't understand is that I HAVE to be strong. I have four kids to take care of by myself. I have to be strong every day otherwise I will get caught in the undertow and get whisked back to Widow Island before I know what happened. I am NOT going back to Widow Island, at least not for an extended stay. I don't know if the fact that I know what I want and I was willing to work for it scared him away or that he saw something in me that HE wanted and it scared him away, but either way he is gone. Maybe my friends are right, he isn't worth another thought, but it just isn't that easy. He was the first guy I went out with in over 25 years, and it felt like there was the potential for something real. That is what I can not get out of my head. Of course now I am left wondering if ANY of it was real. Ugggh! Dating! It is going to be a very twisty path, and I'm pretty sure I will lose my balance and fall more than once, I just hope I find that guy who is willing to pick me back up......
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Comment by hendrixx2 on July 20, 2012 at 4:47am -
Hi Sheryl,
Wishes, hopes, expectations...these are the things we carry forward in our attempts to rejoin the world of relationships...sometimes, because we know how rewarding they can be, we want them so badly, sometimes, maybe we do try too hard, who knows? What I can see is that your willingness is what is paramount at this point, and the vagaries of getting to know someone the way we want to still exist, just in our cases they relate to our loss. They have always been there and they always will be, what will be different is the experience you bring to those attempts and the ability to understand that, when it's right, you'll know.
Being down about an attempt that doesn't go as planned is to be expected, but it's not over yet (we know that all too well)! So, maybe pause, take a deep breath and move forward some more, he's out there...
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on July 18, 2012 at 1:31pm -
Eh...what's done is done. Think of him as practice for your next "Mr. Right". Regardless of what you did if you sensed his unease with your strong (independent) nature, he wasn't for you anyway. You need a man who adores you because your independent. Not saying it's easy to find one...I struggle still with that. But you moved the ball forward. Don't beat yourself up, it takes time to figure it all out. And there is nothing wrong with having a booty call, if you keep yourself safe. (((Sheryl)))
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Comment by Mariposa on July 17, 2012 at 3:16pm -
Sheryl- I just want to say good for you that you have made the step to explore dating even though it did not not turn out how you wanted it to be. Chalk it up to a learning experience rather than judging yourself.
I totally can relate to what you say in how dating is a foreign land.
I lost my husband of 20 years 10 month to cancer in Dec. 2011. We were together a total of 28 years, since the time I was an 18 year old virgin in my senior year of high school. (Yep, he was my one and only.)
I truly feel like I have no clue what the dating world will entail when I am ready. I find the idea frightening and scary because I am a single parent of a 14 year old son. How do I date with a kid? What a novel concept!
I have done a lot of hard work with bereavement therapy and I know I have made a lot of progress. Though it has only been seven months, for the first time, I am beginning to think about dating. My husband also told me that he wanted me to find a good man as he wanted me to have love and happiness. I did appreciate his saying that to me.
Anyhow, I am not at the point where I am ready to join any online dating service yet. Part of me wants to wait for the one year mark before I start dating. I want to make sure I am healed.
I send blessings to you on finding that special someone.
Mariposa
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Comment by LJ1 on July 17, 2012 at 8:57am -
Sheryl, your words ring true with me as well! I feel like my brain is in a tennis match, first saying "put yourself out there", then it's back to, "don't waste your time, it's too difficult" and back again! It was a year March 29th. I started to sign up for a dating service, but didn't pay, so now I get emails every day saying "look who checked you out!".I don't think I am ready for that yet. I decided to take the route of meetup.com and am going to my first singles over 40 event on Saturday. I don't really feel "single", so I figure if I get too stressed I can just leave. I have a 21 year old who is really struggling with the loss of his dad, so I need to be there for him. I was married almost 23 years and have a really hard time seeing me with someone else. Yet, I am only 55 and don't like to picture myself alone forever! As we all say, it's baby steps! Soft days to you all!
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Comment by Kerryn on July 16, 2012 at 11:29pm -
Sheryl,
You nailed many things for me. If one more person tells me how strong I am /have been, I think I'll deck them. Like you stated, I have children, I HAVE to be strong. I was also blessed that Dave made it clear that he didn't want me to be alone, that it'd be ok to find someone; I just don't know if I'm brave enough. This isn't where I'm supposed to be at 41. I'm supposed to be celebrating our 17th anniversary in a few weeks - the second w/ out Dave - not sure how I'm going to do it (getting completely trashed last year wasn't the best idea - was hung over for numerous days).
A friend told me I needed to just be open to the possibilities, that I'd proven I didn't need a man to take care of me. I wanted to respond w/ is that what everyone thinks? That I'm not just out jumping into relationships to prove to everyone that I can take care of myself and our sons w/out a man in the picture? Seriously?
I don't know that I can do it, after being together for 18 yrs, how do I even get that close to someone else? It's also not like there's a huge lottery to pick from in our rural area. Probably bad that I've got pretty high expectations - solid job and being financially stable two of the requirements. More realistically, when would I even "schedule" in a date? Most days I don't know that I'm coming or going and meet myself in the middle. - Widow brain - or does that progress into ADD? I know I can't focus on anything long enough to accomplish much, let alone hold a solid conversation with anyone. Right now I'm solely versed in teenage boy - which basically boils down to - "cool" "dude" "copy that" "ugh" "nothin" "& a variety of swear words muttered under their breath -- not a glowing recommendation for adult conversation.
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