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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

So, as mentioned in my "Unwed "widow" of a married man at a Widow's Dinner" my dear sweet man was still legally married to another when he was killed. 

B & T (yeah.. we share the same first initial...) were married when I met B 10 long years ago. For him it was an instant attraction to me. He knew little to nothing about me and decided that I needed to be in his life in some form or fashion, So he hired me. I developed a school girl crush on him, but there were a few things standing in the way of anything happening. 

1) Obviously his wife. I am very big on the sanctity of marriage. So I saw him as a NO GO 
2) I was 19 he was 30. Back then it seemed like such a ridiculous age gap.
3) my boyfriend.. I spent 9+ years of my life with him, I wasn't good enough, wasnt this or that enough. He ended
up cheating on me for most of our relationship (not to say I was completely innocent..) 

I remember traveling to set up other locations with B and just marveling at him. He was definetly 1 in a million. His wife would call the office and just have this tone in her voice that made it seem like she hated him. She was only a year or 2 older than me. I always felt bad when she called and I had to go give the phone to him, her calls seem to just ruin his mood. After about 8 months, the store that we opened together, that we ran together was closed. I went my way, he went his. I always wondered where he had been.. 

After refinding eachother at a wedding, we chatted about our relationship statuses. He told me that T and he had gotten a divorce in 2009, that things ended badly, really badly. That her family wanted her away from him so much that they "took care" of everything. Yeah right.. 

September of 2014 he gets a message on FB from his "ex" wife, her name on facebook was still using HIS last name. She dropped the bomb on him (and us..) that they were still married. 5 F*ckin years after the divorce SHOULD have happened. She never gave us a clear answer as to WHY they were still married, but she was prepping to move and wanted to tie up all the loose ends, B being one of them. 

The next day or so was really rough. I had a huge panic because I was sleeping with a married man, I'm not a home wrecker.. blah blah blah. It was nasty. B was so upset, he had every right to be. He had been living 4+ years thinking he was a single man. Filing his taxes as single, and on any major paperwork ticking that "single" box. 

October 23rd he turned in his divorce papers for the SECOND time.. 61 day ticker starts now.. 
November 13th he was killed.. 21 days... 
December 17th woud have been their court date. She didn't go. SHE IS STILL HIS F*CKING WIFE

We couldn't have gotten married even though we wanted to.. and now she is even more of an issue than we would have thought. 

At first she was helpful. We were told we needed her to be at the funeral home in order to make some of the arrangements. We called, she accepted, she showed up. We were THEN told she didn't need to be there. For a few weeks we (she and I ) would check up on each other. After Christmas that came to a screeching halt. B's mom messaged her one day and asked what her status was.. Married, Divorced, Widowed. She replied that she guesses she is a Widow because they were married at the time of his death. 

The fact that that woman is legally his widow breaks my heart. I dont want any sort of pay out, I wanted the legal right to say that that man was my HUSBAND.. I wanted to be his wife. I was his and he was mine, we knew that, but for once in my life I wanted it on paper. I wanted it to be real. 

The car insurance will not release the compensation for his vehicle to his parents because their is a wife on the death certificate. When I messaged her to let her know that we had two options, she could either sign the title or sign a waiver saying they were not married at the time the car was purchased. "I don't feel comfortable signing anything, I'll have the family lawyer look at it" Ok I get that, but I worry that she will see him as a dollar sign now. I hate to think the worst of people like that but she SAID NOTHING about the fact that they were still married for YEARS. 

Grief is hard enough.. but of course, It can't just be simple can it..

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