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It is by the Grace of God alone that I have 
been able to breathe without you for one year…indeed through God’s wisdom in 
making breathing part of the autonomic system, in that we have no choice 
but to breathe…He knew better than to leave it up to us.  Alone, I 
would not have had the strength nor the courage to take that first breath in as 
you left this world on your last breath out.  Oh Holy Night, one year ago, when 
Heaven bowed down to touch earth so that the Angels could cross over to 
accompany you Home.  I envision in my soul’s eye, our unborn, yet Sainted 
children, Michael and Gabrielle, greeting you.  Although my own Mother had told 
me that Jesus, The Christ, always greets children into heaven, somehow I have 
pictured Him greeting you, with one child on each side.  I am in need of no 
proof, for I witnessed you and the cats constantly gazing at the space above the 
Christmas tree, having wordless conversations with those who had already left 
us.  The house was heavy with the weight of their presence the entire last month 
of your life here in Time and Space.  It was then that I learned of The Weight 
of Eternity. 
 
Husband, I have mourned you like a wild 
animal…I have bellowed in agony, like that mama cow we passed in the snow on the 
side of the road on the way to Purgatory, whose calf lay dead in the gutter.  We 
were both deeply moved by the sight of an animal grieving inconsolably for her 
loss.  In desperation, I have curled up on the floor in the corner where your 
hospital bed was, the exact spot where you left, and have tried to breathe you 
back into me.  I have placed my hand inside your ski glove and held my other 
hand with closed eyes, imaging your hand, those hands, that I still 
know by heart, holding mine.   I have opened your closet door to run my hands 
over your shirts,  hanging empty on the hooks…trying to understand how we 
can be over.  Intellectually, I understand you had to leave your body 
and that even I gave you permission to do so, yet my heart wants what 
it has wanted since the first moment our eyes met; YOU. I still want you.  I 
still want to be us.
 
I now understand what it is to love someone 
even greater in death;  for I love you purely, "I bow to the God within you", or 
"The Spirit within me salutes the Spirit in you" - a knowing that we are all 
made from the same One Divine Consciousness.  I was correct for 35 years in 
signing every card to you, “I love you to Eternity”. 
 
But what I have not done, beloved 
husband, is given up on life.  I honor my promise to you; I will be okay, but I 
will never get over you. 

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Comment by Joyce on February 14, 2015 at 6:00pm

Deborah, beautifully written, perfect for today. 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on February 14, 2015 at 5:46pm

This is beautiful, Deborah.

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