Widowed Village

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Dear Dead Don,

 

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get used to your lack of presence in the house? How hard it is to want to share something with you only to realize I have to tell it to thin air? Darn you, Don! Why did you have to die? I wasn’t finished loving you just yet! And who am I going to yell at for leaving the top off the toothpaste or not picking up the dog's toys at bedtime.

 

But I’m being strong. You’d be proud of that. I’m taking care of business, getting all your “death stuff” done in fine, chronological order. All the right places and people have been notified that you’re now a dearly departed. All the hospital bills have been paid. And I am now the official head of the household with all the utilities newly registered in my name. Little Miss Efficiency, that’s me. Little Miss Lonely who talks to the walls and over feeds the dog and who now needs to leave bread crumbs to find the car in parking lots since I no longer park in handicapped.

 

I’m getting a brand new car tomorrow. Did you know that? Yup, a dealership special: trade in one dead husband and his wheelchair friendly vehicle and walk out with a cherry red Chevy Malibu. Do you know how that feels? Of course, you don’t! Guys never know why women get mad. At least half the time YOU couldn’t figure it out when I had a bee in my bonnet. Hint: New car days should be happy events. They shouldn’t be days that would make any grief counselor think the little old widow is making great progress. Yes, sir, a job well done. Boy, my arm is getting tired from patting myself on the back.

 

Damn it, Don! I have money coming in from the insurance company. Money coming in from the sale of your riffle collection. Money coming in from income tax returns. Money coming in from selling your Vette and the power wheelchair. Money, money everywhere and there’s not single thing I can buy without feeling guilty. Tomorrow I’m going to say, “Guilt be damned! I’m buying a damn bike for the damn nature trails even if I have a damned good cry every time I ride the damn thing!” But today I’m not finished being mad at you for dying!

 

Your pissed off wife.

 

P.S. I know you know how much I detest the “P” word. So the fact that I’ve turned it into an adjective to sign off this letter ought to tell you not to come haunting my house tonight! If you weren’t already dead, I’d probably kill you!

Views: 89

Tags: anger, grief

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Comment by Blue Snow on March 30, 2012 at 3:20pm

Thank you all for your comments and encouragement. I took delivery on the new car and it went really well, I was even excited---finally---about the whole thing. But on the way home I stopped for coffee and ran into two people who had not yet heard about Don's passing and, of course, the tears just had to show up to bring me back down.

Comment by Ace on March 28, 2012 at 9:05pm

Love your Letter!  We do and do and do and no one to share any of our accompishments with. No one cares when we finally figure out How they did stuff...like lighting the darn barbecue..took me two summers to finally use it again. It was his job - I had no idea it was not that hard- just needed to get past the memory of his cute butt standing in front of it flipping the steaks and doing the cooking- so was not my job for over 22 years. Oh well he would be so damn mad if he came back and found out I was capable of turning it on and changing the propane. - Not that I would not have learned if I thought i needed to...but there never was a time that he was not home to do it. Oh well...One day there has got to be another cute butt to look at..I can not imagine going on without someone in our lives for the end of our eternity. He would be so mad if he did come back and found that I had stopped my living after he died and never found a happy existence again.

Enjoy your "cherry red Chevy Malibu" sounds awesome! When I get rid of some no longer needed transportation I am going for a convertable or Jaguar if they ever make them like they used to look in the 80's. My kids want me to get a Delorian- My Duke would of loved any of those decisions. he liked ANYTHING I liked as long as I was happy he was happy and the best I can do by him and to honor our life together is find what makes me happy again...so far everything has been fleeting moments of joy here or there quickly let down because of his not being here to share.OK- since we have WV I will share here and get some validation that I am alive and if I feel off the face of the earth I would be missed by more than just my boys. REALLY liked the letter. Please write more.

Comment by Janch02 on March 28, 2012 at 7:08pm
Blue Snow, this is a great letter...you have written what we all have said. I pulled on Roberts snow pants and jacket a feat in itself since we were no where near the same size...hauled out that snow blower, fired it up eventually and blew the snow all over the place madder than he'll I had to do it. Of course that was last winter this year nada in the snow dept. But sold the truck and my car and got a new all wheel drive...to handle that snow ...I got over the guilt and just did a major clothes shopping...thought if I at least dressed better I'd feel better...nope but boy they look nice in this big closet I now own with all my winter and summer clothes spread out since I don't have to share it....of course you can do it all!....but you just don't want to, plan to but now have to.
Comment by Joyce on March 27, 2012 at 9:08pm

Hugs Blue, nicely written.  I talk to the walls all the time too, it's no fun having a one-sided argument.  I'm forever telling Tom how pissed I am for leaving me.  I agree with Lisa - I hope writing this out made you feel the tiniest bit better.

Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on March 27, 2012 at 1:56am

So glad you could get all of that out, and I bet it makes you feel just a little bit better. At least I hope it helped you feel a little bit better.  ((Hugs)) and I hope you can get over the guilt about the money, I'm sure that's what Don wanted was for you to have everything you needed after he was gone. That was KC's biggest worry before he passed, that I would not have to worry about money.

Comment by hendrixx2 on March 27, 2012 at 1:11am

Nice Snow, I think I get the message.  Peace

Comment by Nathan on March 27, 2012 at 12:45am

I had a friend help me get rid of Michael Truck because I know I will not be able to do it at the dealership. I really wish there is a dealership that will be able to buy back our hubbies with all our money. I'd trade it all and live on the street to get him back and work my way back up again.  I Hope tomorrow you wake up with a new fresh feeling about the new car, Hugs.

Comment by Marsha on March 26, 2012 at 10:35pm

(((((Blue))))) I too have said a lot of these things to my dear departed husband. I am so pissed off at him for not taking better care of himself and going to the doctor a year earlier. If he had just done that and not been macho there is a good chance he would still be here with me where he belongs. All the hard work to get us to retirement and he dies! Able to fix up the house as we intended but what I wouldn't give to have him and the house be damned! Guess my husband won't be coming around tonight either.

Comment by Jackie (lvgma) on March 26, 2012 at 9:24pm

Sorry for your loss Blue, I have said what you wrote.  Maybe I should have put it to words..but I did tell Danny if he wasn't dead I would surely kill him for what he has put me though the last 17 mths.

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