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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Today is December 28th. Yesterday marked 2 months since Hubby went home. I thought I was doing good until yesterday afternoon. Once I was off work and in my car I cried most of the way home and all evening up to bedtime.

I've only dreamed of my beloved once since he died. In my dream we were traveling, wearing backpacks and in an airport. That was weird because neither of us ever did backpacks. I would be interested to learn the meaning of that dream.

Hubby always paid our bills. He took care of the yardwork even when he was ill. He took care of the automobiles and anything else mechanical. He was a good handyman. He could fix almost anything. He was our IT guy,too. He did the upgrades to our computers and our phones. I don't know any of that stuff.

I can pay our bills. He had written down all our log-ins and passwords .I will have to learn how to start the lawnmower and how to take care of it. I can take the van to have the oil changed and/or repaired. I can learn how to do upgrades to the phones and computers.

What I don't how to do is go from a "we" and "our" to an "I" and a "me". I have been a "we" for 48 years. How do I find "me" again?

I don't want to be a widow but that's what I am. I am  a widow.

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Comment by laurajay on December 28, 2013 at 6:54am

dear Debora  CPP,

For me it was 44 yr before his sudden death in March of 2012.  Nearly 21 mo.  I read your post and wish I could post you a helpful reply.  I am sorry for your loss and fully understand what you are feeling after a long marriage.  People thoughtlessly tell me I should be grateful for such a long time together  as if that means I should just move on...they are clueless!  The longer you are part of a "we" the harder it is to go on alone  let alone  figure out who you are now and how to cope 24/7 with the loss.  Do not expect many others to understand.  They cannot...they only guess .  You are just 2 mo into the hardest work you will ever have to do.  The fact that you are older  will also mean aging problems  will be yours to deal with alone as well.  It's a full plate  and a weary one.  My suggestions are to let the tears come  whenever they want to--it's part of the normal process. Take the best care of yourself as you can...eating and sleeping  are vital because your energy is going to be zapped with the changes  happening.  Don't dismiss self care  because 19 mo out longer than you  I wish I had known  how important this would be.  Also,  make checkoff lists.  use them.  it will make you realize you are making progress. Deal with the business/financial stuff asap.  Expect todeal with thoughtlessness and a jackass or two with no grace and no understanding.  Get help if complicated  matters with money or family exists.  take the home/car/property issues  one at a time  and don't rush yourself.  I got very upset that I could not do al the things my husband took care of...cried a lot about it in frustration...still learning not to be frantic about this stuff..and still hate coping with it.   realize unlike younger women    abilities wane as you age and eventually we do have to get help or make changes to survive.

We are forever changed. Nothing will ever be the same!  Take time to process every memory by going over them one by one and share your story.  That's part of grieving and will help you to grow past the wretched  pain.  Take all the time you need.  If you rush you will just have to deal it later on.   This is a good place to share  but I encourage you to read as well.  So many  think you can just heal by talk.  I do not agree.  I found so much helpful information  in the books I read  that explained  the process so I could feel sane  as I processed through that first year.  Remember you and your loss are unique  and no one should ever tell you what to feel, how to act, or how long this will take. Don't listen if they do.  Sorry to go on so long  but few here have experienced loss after only one long marriage to the same man.   I will friend you  in case you ever want or need to share.   You are not alone.  I care...    laurajay

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