Well, I am not much of a writer, but I need to find out if anyone can relate to my situation.
My husband of 10 years died suddenly this past January. It was a fairly traumatic week in ICU, then the start of grieving for me.
A few days later I was searching through his papers to find out if he had a will that I hadn't known about. No will. However, I did find some nude photos of his employee 'Amber'. Now this struck me as odd. WHy would he have these? My only explanation was that there was some kind of 'thing' going on between them. An affair? Who knows, and how could I ever know, as Amber is now moved away.
Then, on going through finances and his business bills, I discovered he owed about $50,000 to various people and the goverment for taxes etc., and that his assets were very minimal. I had had no idea. You see, I am the principle wage earner and was paying most of the bills in the household. I knew he didn't have much from his business, but had not known it was so bad for him.
Then a couple months later when I was going through some of his boxes at home, I discovered a large box full of porn DVD's. And my nephew, the computer guru, found that most of the content on his computer is porn. Once, early in the marriage, I had found him looking at porn on the web, was upset, and he promised to never do it again.
Anyway, you must be thinking, what a crappy marriage we had, that I knew so little about him or that he was so uncommitted to telling me the truth! However, honestly, I thought we were fine.....spent all of our non-work hours together talking intimately, watching movies, going for walks, making love, etc.
Since all these discoveries, I am so mixed up emotionally. I am grieving the loss of him and everything we had together. But I also feel betrayed, angry, used, lied-to, and mistrustful of everyone now. I am dealing with the legal problems of all the debts and his estate.
I read all of your posts and see how much everyone else is grieving the loss of a true and dear love, and I can't totally relate as I feel now that my love must have been a sham. You are all so sweet, but I do not feel the same. So I am grieving, I am a widow, so I do belong here, yet I wonder if anyone else can understand what I am going through.