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Do I REALLY want to find love again?

Hello all.  

This is Steve again.  In case you haven’t read my prior posts, I was partnered close to 31 years to a man I loved very much, mike, my best friend, partner in life.  He passed in March of 09 from stage 4 cancer at 50 yrs old.  I was 46 when he passed.  

I am now 56 years old.  I, as maybe many of you, have experienced a lot of loss.  In the past 10 years, besides my partner, have had about 10 of our inner circle pass away as well.  It’s really been a bizarre decade.  My absolute best friend from childhood passed in 93 of a terminal illness at 31.  (We were 2 months apart).  

My father passed in 2016, mikes mom, (my 2nd mom) passed in 2016, the list goes on.

its been really tough for me to loose all my people I talked to about life, my “mentors” and people I felt close to.  People that always remembered my birthday, people to get together with for holidays, all gone now.  Mikes sister and I are the only ones left, of a huge family circle.  Everyone else gone.  

Im not just alone in the world, without mike, but without my tribe too.  

Ive been trying really hard to put a positive attitude about this.  I certainly didn’t ask for this, but life has turned out this way, so I’m trying to think about it in a way, as a new adventure.  I have never had a career in my life.  Yes I worked odd jobs, but Mike was always the “career” guy, the major bread winner in our life.  The last 12 years of mikes life I worked part time, or odd jobs, took years off, as mike never wanted me to work.  He was a reincarnated man from the 40s or 50s, and he wanted to take care of me, liked to be the breadwinner, liked me to take care of our home, him, be free for him with his busy career, to sneak away mid day, for a lunch, or weekend get away.  As things turned out, I’m so glad we had that time together.  

Now it’s up to me, to sink or swim.  I had no idea what to do, as a career.  As it turned out, a good friend suggested I become a professional caregiver, I tried it, and now a year later, I’m with a private family, taking care of a retired Psychiatrist, the family and client absolutely love me, and I’m making a very nice living.  The family is very generous to me, keep giving me raises, because they say they don’t want to loose me.  I’ve never made this kind of money, in my life!  Lol.  I’m truly grateful.  I look forward to going to work every day, in a lovely home at the beach in beautiful La Jolla, ca.  

On my days off I find myself very lonely.  I have a hard time learning to live alone, do things alone.  I was partnered again, for 4 years, but sadly had to end that relationship last March.  It was the right thing to do, but I still miss him and having someone in my life to love and take care of.  

But as I think about dating again, I really don’t have a great desire in me.  I’m such a married type of guy.  I loved being married, always loved being a one man, man.  Never had any desire to be single, a player, to date a ton of guys, different guy every we3kend.  That is not me.  

It was so hard to trust my last partner.  It took two years, for me to totally open my heart to him.  To completely trust him w my heart.  Sadly, it was a mistake, and I got my heart broken, bad, but I learned a lot.  I’m trying so hard to put this in the past, and move on.

But I still miss Mike, and also my former recent partner.  Even though he wasn’t a good partner, we sure had some wonderful, close, fun, loving times.  I really wish he could have been the person he told me he was.pretended to be.  .  

Some would say I’m lucky, in that, somehow, even though I’m no muscle guy, more of a Homer Simpson, I do still get flirted with, to my extreme shock.  Lol.   Some of my gay brothers still seem to find something attractive, and ask me out for dinner, or a coffee.  But I always make an excuse. I don’t call them, throw out their numbers.  I just don’t want to be hurt again.  I tried a few times, to gather up my guts to go on a date, with guys that seemed very nice, but, sadly they were looking for more than friendship, that FAST!  If you get my drift.  I’m just not that guy.  I’m not a prude, but, I do need to know more than a guys name, and like him, before I’m ready for anything more.  This computer age, in my opinion, has ruined old fashioned dating, and romance, getting to know someone slowly, over some nice dates and spending time together.  

Im thinking I am just going to get a very adorable French bulldog, find a little guest cottage in La Jolla near the beach, and spend the rest of my days, in my memories of Mike, loving my Frenchie, and helping others through my career.  

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Comment by Steve on October 12, 2018 at 10:08pm

Hi Diane, absolutely, and thank you!  

Sorry to hear about your moms depression.  Yes, I have to take a bunch of breaks away, when I’m home w mom.  She drives me crazy too.  But when I’ve discussed the issues w her, she gets confused and cries, so I just get away, and take a break, scream in my car, vent to a friend, listen to wonderful music, walk on the beach.  Lol.  Go in my bedroom and close the door.  Lol.  Say a LOT OF PRAYERS for patience.  Lol

its raining here, I kind of feel like a actor in the movie grapes of wrath, SO grateful for the rain.  I have forgotten what is sounds like, feels like, smells like, it’s wonderful.  I just actually sat outside in it till I was drenched.  Because I wanted to.  Might be another year or more till it comes again.  

Good luck w you’re mom, hope she responds well to new medications.  

We are all making great strides, in my opinion, just living, contributing, after what we have been through.  I’m still not ready to push up daisies yet!  

You will put yourself out there for new friend/love when you are ready.  I certainly want love, however, going through the vetting and games, lies, BS is what makes me think NO!  Lol...I discovered through Chris, I am absolutely capable of loving someone again, so much.  I didn’t think I could after Mike passed.

so I’m thinking, even though Chris has been heart breaking, maybe it could happen again, but this time, don’t ignor little red flags, that were so easily explained away before, but now in hindsight, boy, I ignored a lot.

i wish I could go to a store and choose a man in a box.  “Now with more cuddles” .  Lol.  Where on the box it mentions in the disclaimer what that particular purchase comes with, so you know completely what you’re getting.  Lol.  “Lies at party’s” , “farts in bed and pulls the cover over your face”, “very romantic” , “very affectionate” , “subject to drug/alcohol abuse” .  “Very good around the house with honey-dos”. Lol

Boy the rain is really coming down.  I’m in heaven.  

Night, night

steve

Comment by Patience on October 12, 2018 at 8:02pm

Hi Steve,
Thank you for your update. I'm sorry about the way things were with Chris. So very very sorry. He sounded really great, but Addiction is the hardest worst thing! I'm wishing you strength. Two of Wayne's cousins had drug addiction and they both OD'd. And passed away in their 40's. So very sad.Your plan for your and your Mom's future sounds very well thought out. Your mom is blessed to have you. My 87 yr old mom is currently living 45 minutes south from me and my daughters in her own 55 and over home. She's been showing signs of depression lately, and She recently informed me that she would like to sell her home and move in with me!!! My brother (lives 2 hours north) and I are trying to convince and help her to keep her home and continue to live independently. Money is tight but I think she and I would drive each other bat $hi£ crazy in the same home together. Well, her Dr added Welbrutin to the Zoloft she had been taking. And she's spending this weekend with me and my daughters... to cheer her up. .. And of course it's on my mind that I should be giving some effort to putting myself out there to maybe find someone to share some meaningful time with... lol .. but who has time? Anyway, you inspire me with all you have accomplished over these years. (((Hugs)))

Comment by Steve on September 23, 2018 at 12:12pm

Hi again, Diane.  Thank you!  

I TOTALLY get your trepidation about another relationship.  I’m there now too.  Yes, I still have mom w me.  I’ve looked into options for mom to move into a care intensive place, but sadly too cost prohibitive.  I’ve been applying for state paid programs for her since December 17, finally got her approved, however, each part of the needed service has its own hoops to go thru, so still completing those processes.  My hopes are to get assistance w caregivers, medical care, meals, then, I will just keep our current apartment for her, and I can move out to my own place.  Finally be free for first time since Mike passed.  I have a deep calling in me to get my very own place now.  This is new for me.  I will still need to supplement moms income about $600 per month, but it’s a lot better this way, vs $6,000 per month in a private care facility.  

The ending of my last relationship has been so painful. The bizarre thing is, we both love each other so much, but there are a few things, that I just can’t live with.  This is all me.  I’m the one that had to make the choice to walk away.  Chris was devastated I made this choice.  Still is.  I’m working so hard on myself to not feel like I’m abandoning him, in his most hour of need, he is addicted to drugs, he wants to get clean, but 2 attempts broke me.  He has to get clean on his own.  I’m terrified his mother will call me, he has died.  He hid this from me, for the first 3 years, then it got out of control, became obvious, the last year was hell.  Broke my heart.  He is such a lovely, sweet, kind, gentle soul, I hope he gets clean.  I know this might sound strange, but it feels so similar, to when I had to accept mike wouldn’t be with me for the rest of my life, like we both wanted.  I had to let him go, even though I loved him so much.  Had no idea how to live without him.  Once again, I’ve chosen a lovely man, that can’t give me what I need.

Im lonely but have created mostly a good life.  Lots of wonderful things, but so wish I had someone to share the wonderful with.  I’m trying to learn how to be happy for myself, just myself.  My bedroom at my clients home in La Jolla, has the most beautiful view of the ocean.  A beautiful fireplace. I sit on the side of my bed at night, as I’m getting into bed, looking out at the moon and stars over the surf, it’s so breathtaking, like a painting, yet wishing my love was there to share it.  Missing my dear loves.  Again, just trying to be grateful, learning to be just happy, content alone.  I’ve done it all on my own, I’m proud of myself, taking care of everyone, creating a good life for myself, a nice income, now the trick is to be full of glee at the wonderful I have created.  Lol.  Crazy!  

Take care, steve

Comment by Patience on September 22, 2018 at 5:05am

Steve, thank for writing from your heart. Cheers to you for being so brave as to try another relationship with Chris after Mike passed away. I am hoping to find that motivation! But I'm  not sure if I want another relationship. However, someone to do things with on occasion would be nice. Also, I seem to remember that you were taking care of your Mom. I hope I'm not remembering wrong?  Wishing you good thoughts along this journey. 

Comment by Steve on September 17, 2018 at 5:41pm

Hi Callie2!  Thanks so much for your note.  I truly appreciate it.  I agree 100% it’s about living today, and continueing the pursuit of being content, happy.

i wish you good luck in those pursuits as well.  I’m so grateful for the life I have lived, despite the really painful last decad,  if I didn’t have wonderful loving people in my life to begin with, I wouldn’t have even missed them now.  

I do hold out hope for the future.  I know I’m a catch, I have lots of guardian angels in heaven, I can hear them all arguing now, lol, over what I should do next.  Lol.  (My former mother in law was a real character, I can hear her pushing me to get a young one) lol.  (My former grandmother in law saying “no!  Get one with money”!). Lol.  I just want one with genuine love and kindness, and all the good character traits, and morals.  I couldn’t care less how much money he has.  Lol.

thanks again,

steve

 

Comment by Callie2 on September 17, 2018 at 4:54pm

I understand what you say about losing your “tribe”. I’ve lost many or have known many that have passed—family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. I miss them all. We’re forced to face our own mortality but we can also make the decision to make each day count and do what makes us happy or at least, content. If along the way we meet someone, we can always change direction!

Steve, in reality, we are in charge of our own happiness. We cannot replace what we have lost but we can find joy in other ways. I like your idea about the guest cottage and the French bulldog!  There’s one positive thing about being single, we have the freedom to do things like that if we so chose. It’s not easy to let go of the past and it’s difficult sometimes not to worry about the future, but living each day to the fullest is probably most important. You are experiencing a period of “growth” right now, finding full-time employment doing something you like doing. Sounds like a rewarding profession and they seem to really appreciate you!

I really hope one day you will find someone as sincere as you wanting the same things in life. Don’t rule it out. There are a lot of good people out there and we just never know! I think there are a lot of people that still meet by chance and date the old-fashioned way! Hang on to hope!

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