This is Steve again. In case you haven’t read my prior posts, I was partnered close to 31 years to a man I loved very much, mike, my best friend, partner in life. He passed in March of 09 from stage 4 cancer at 50 yrs old. I was 46 when he passed.
I am now 56 years old. I, as maybe many of you, have experienced a lot of loss. In the past 10 years, besides my partner, have had about 10 of our inner circle pass away as well. It’s really been a bizarre decade. My absolute best friend from childhood passed in 93 of a terminal illness at 31. (We were 2 months apart).
My father passed in 2016, mikes mom, (my 2nd mom) passed in 2016, the list goes on.
its been really tough for me to loose all my people I talked to about life, my “mentors” and people I felt close to. People that always remembered my birthday, people to get together with for holidays, all gone now. Mikes sister and I are the only ones left, of a huge family circle. Everyone else gone.
Im not just alone in the world, without mike, but without my tribe too.
Ive been trying really hard to put a positive attitude about this. I certainly didn’t ask for this, but life has turned out this way, so I’m trying to think about it in a way, as a new adventure. I have never had a career in my life. Yes I worked odd jobs, but Mike was always the “career” guy, the major bread winner in our life. The last 12 years of mikes life I worked part time, or odd jobs, took years off, as mike never wanted me to work. He was a reincarnated man from the 40s or 50s, and he wanted to take care of me, liked to be the breadwinner, liked me to take care of our home, him, be free for him with his busy career, to sneak away mid day, for a lunch, or weekend get away. As things turned out, I’m so glad we had that time together.
Now it’s up to me, to sink or swim. I had no idea what to do, as a career. As it turned out, a good friend suggested I become a professional caregiver, I tried it, and now a year later, I’m with a private family, taking care of a retired Psychiatrist, the family and client absolutely love me, and I’m making a very nice living. The family is very generous to me, keep giving me raises, because they say they don’t want to loose me. I’ve never made this kind of money, in my life! Lol. I’m truly grateful. I look forward to going to work every day, in a lovely home at the beach in beautiful La Jolla, ca.
On my days off I find myself very lonely. I have a hard time learning to live alone, do things alone. I was partnered again, for 4 years, but sadly had to end that relationship last March. It was the right thing to do, but I still miss him and having someone in my life to love and take care of.
But as I think about dating again, I really don’t have a great desire in me. I’m such a married type of guy. I loved being married, always loved being a one man, man. Never had any desire to be single, a player, to date a ton of guys, different guy every we3kend. That is not me.
It was so hard to trust my last partner. It took two years, for me to totally open my heart to him. To completely trust him w my heart. Sadly, it was a mistake, and I got my heart broken, bad, but I learned a lot. I’m trying so hard to put this in the past, and move on.
But I still miss Mike, and also my former recent partner. Even though he wasn’t a good partner, we sure had some wonderful, close, fun, loving times. I really wish he could have been the person he told me he was.pretended to be. .
Some would say I’m lucky, in that, somehow, even though I’m no muscle guy, more of a Homer Simpson, I do still get flirted with, to my extreme shock. Lol. Some of my gay brothers still seem to find something attractive, and ask me out for dinner, or a coffee. But I always make an excuse. I don’t call them, throw out their numbers. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I tried a few times, to gather up my guts to go on a date, with guys that seemed very nice, but, sadly they were looking for more than friendship, that FAST! If you get my drift. I’m just not that guy. I’m not a prude, but, I do need to know more than a guys name, and like him, before I’m ready for anything more. This computer age, in my opinion, has ruined old fashioned dating, and romance, getting to know someone slowly, over some nice dates and spending time together.
Im thinking I am just going to get a very adorable French bulldog, find a little guest cottage in La Jolla near the beach, and spend the rest of my days, in my memories of Mike, loving my Frenchie, and helping others through my career.