Have you thought about being in a relationship again?
It's extremely complicated yet totally satisfying at the same time...however...
Tonight I picked a fight with my boyfriend. It wasn't a big fight, or anything serious, which makes me question why it even happened, but it was indeed my fault. This isn't the first time something like this has happend either. Sometimes I wonder why he even loves me, or if I keep this sort of thing going, how long he is actually going to keep loving me.
Part of me thinks that I do it because I am scared to love someone this deeply again, only to lose it. It's almost as if I cannot believe that I am getting this chance at happiness in love a second time... I want to tell myself to 'wake up' 'snap out of it' 'don't lose this opportunity'...but I am really intimidated by death, it can happen so suddenly and without reason. I may put up some walls, yes, I may be a touch guarded, and for my boyfriend's sake, I should really start tearing them down.
What frustrates me (sometimes) is how wonderfully he is moving on with life after losing the mother to his children and the love of his life. He has accepted the loss in a much more graceful capacity than what I have. I have good days, and bad days, most of them good... but my bad come much more frequently than his, and he thinks for some reason that he's not making me happy. That HE is the reason that I get sad and mad. I wish I could control those emotions better, but I just haven't been able to. I miss and long for my old life still... and I wish I could say otherwise. It is ridiculous and completely out of the question... so why do I still long for it? Why do I still miss Craig with all of my heart?? and how the hell come can't I get a handle on it by now? I realized when I first started to date my boyfriend, that there is simply no comparing the 2 of them, its unfair and irrelevant, yet it's the natural thing to do. I don't get mad at myself when I start to do the comparison thing, I just abruptly interrupt my brain and tell it to stop. That works.
My boyfriend, quite regularly will say "I just want you to be happy" or "I want to make you happy"...how can I look into his wonderfully caring eyes, and say to his wonderfully caring face "you can't!". I learned a while ago, that you cannot rely on someone to make you happy, only you, yourself can do that. I want to tell him that 'meeting you made me happy...but there will be some bad days, some mad and sad days. Mad and sad, mixed in with glad, but some are bad, and some are good sir, is that understood, sir? "----(we have 3 kids. His 2 girls, and my son make 3...and tonight I read 'fox in socks' so I went a little Dr.Zeus on ya with my 'bad, sad' shhpeal.)
The truth is, he does make me happy, and so do our children and the life that we are living...it's all-good, but I am still messed up.
I often wonder if I embarked on this love train a little too soon. Perhaps I still had plenty of healing to do, but that doesn't matter, because it's too late. I am in it, and I am not going anywhere, so long as he'll have me. I don't want to drive him away with all of my crazy, but I am who I am, and I trust in the process, it's just taking me for a loop from time to time, that's all.
I do love him, just as strongly as I miss my husband, and I love his kids, just as I love my own son. We have a beautiful and bright future, I can see it...he just doesn't realize that I can still see it through my pain..I hope he can.
To the outside world, him and I and our 3 children look like a happy, normal family...but we're far from normal! Hell, the other night, I sang and danced with Craig's urn.
GOD I miss that man, all that he stood for and all that he was.
crazy me, crazy widow me.
In conclusion, when thinking about being in another relationship after losing one so meaningful, you might want to consider giving yourself extra time. BUT on the other hand, if mister (or mrs.) right comes along again, just hope like hell he's into your type of crazy...
and it's okay to be crazy, right? lol
peace and healing.