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Don't know what is wrong with me, just had a few blue days, no particular reason.

Don't know what is wrong with me, just had a few blue days, no particular reason, just suddenly focussing on the "unworthwhileness" of the single life.  I don't want to burden my kids by constantly calling them, don't want to upset my friends by being less than the upbeat person they see me as, you know "the strong one" BUT I do want to feel as if there is some kind of support there and it is okay to ask for help sometimes.

I know I wrote in my last blog that I am not "needy" but I don't have a heart of stone either, I am vulnerable like everyone else.  When things go wrong ( I have a list!) I want to do at least a consult with someone who might know how to help.  Hey! I lost the one who did all my odd jobs, knew about fixing stuff, knew where to go and get a quote for a new appliance, buy a piece of timber etc.  I know my sons know that too but they work full-time, have demanding wives or girlfriends and kids and really don't want Mum to ask for help.  Bah Humbug!

I was going to fight the insurance company because they will not pay for the whole thing to be fixed, more or less just focussed on the roofing materials NOT fixing the ceiling, roof etc.  But if the claim process goes on for a while I risk further wind and rain damage. Because of the delays there is also the risk of summer storm weather which starts around November and that can be very unpredictable. Although I heard from the man who brought in the second tarpaulin that they "may" be getting quotes on fixing it, nothing official came of that. I was hoping they would revise their payment upwards. Now it looks like I will have to pay much more than I wanted to to have it restored to what it was like before the wind hit.

The whole thing is such a stress.  I wish, I wish, I wish, I had my Ray back, strong as he was before the strokes, able to be my "Mr Fixit".  He was always so useful and helpful and ready to do what needed doing (well with a little prompting on my part). He had all those strokes which reduced his abilities to zero but if he had not had them even at seventy he would have still been strong and able bodied. Damn you strokes!!!!!

I have just had a cheque from the Insurance company for my cabin roof, it is about a third of what I need to get the job done.  There was no paperwork with it so I assume that is all I am getting.  With over 200 homes lost in the bushfires raging west of Sydney ( about 120 milles away) I guess they have more important claims coming up.  I wish others well with that "replacement policy" they will not service unless it is all "up to current standards" which of course my much older building was not.  Who knew they could reduce the payment for that eh? 

My younger son who has been the most supportive of my children is moving way out west, 13 hours drive from here with his little family, so his wife can pursue her career.  I am sure they will be happy and have some wonderful adventures and I do want them to do that BUT I will miss them.  They are not going till some time after Christmas but maybe that is preying on my mind already.

I know that I have to learn to stand in my own strength.  Why is that so hard to do?


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Comment by Jobranmom on October 24, 2013 at 10:44am

Exact feelings here too. My Doug was a construction worker and knew how to fix the cars. Now what? I don't even know how to figure how much paint to buy to paint the celing that he had just patched in the kitchen. That was all him.

I'd call the insurance company and tell them what your estimates are your getting and be sure thats all they are planning on sending you. I hope you can get something worked out with them.

My son is still too young to help too much and my daughter is away in college and I hate crying to them too. It's so hard being alone now. (and I'm not alone even with our son at home) I'm sorry your helping son is moving away. I'd be worring about it too already. All I can offer is a cyber hug and let you know I know how you feel.

Comment by only1sue on October 24, 2013 at 10:16am

Woke up at 3am crying, must have been a dream.  I couldn't go back to sleep so came out to the computer and played some sad songs on Youtube.  I wonder what is floating around my subconscious so I feel sad but don't know why?

Yes, the psressure of suddenly having to make a lot of decisions and doing a whole load of different jobs way out of my comfort zone is one reason for all of this.  In the daytime I can work, tired myself out and ignore it but four hours of sleep later, here I am again.

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