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Downward spiral??
In 15 days it will be one year. One year since I laid my head on my husband's chest for the last time, slept through the last beat of his heart. One year since I kissed him goodnight, and then woke in the morning and kissed his cold forehead. One year since the last words we said to each other, "I love you".... (well, except for me talking in my sleep saying, Honey roll over, you are snoring.) One year since my world came crashing down around my head.
Except...IT'S STILL CRASHING. Some days it's a silent collapse and I go through the routine - work, homework with Randy, dinner, housework, laundry - and it's just background noise, something I've grown accustomed to. But there are still days when the wrenching apart of my life is DEAFENING, grinding metal and crunching brick and breaking glass. And I rail against it with every fiber of my being, screaming and flailing and pleading with God PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!
And on those Splinter Days, I get the awful notion that this horrible journey is nothing but a giant downward spiral...that those good days are just a mind fuck before you round the corner and start a headlong slide back down again. I had a really good weekend, day at the beach with my gurls, and a 'date' with an old boyfriend, and had a lot of fun and didn't spend too much time dwelling on my reality. Then today I came home to a broken garbage disposal, something my husband in his infinite mechanical ability would normally have fixed, and I LOST MY GRIP ON THE HANDRAIL. And WHEEEEEEE or rather HELLLLLLLPPPPP down we go again.
BUT. I remember reading somewhere...and I'm sure it was either SSLF or WWS or HFW....that it's not really a DOWNWARD spiral...that it's actually an UPWARD spiral...and we circle back to the same places we've already been, but we're really on a HIGHER plane. So I'm clinging desperately to that hope that I'm maybe going BACK but perhaps not DOWN.
I'll let you all know in 16 days, after the anniversary of the loss of the love of my life.
Peace to all of you. xo
Views: 115
Comment
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Comment by Joyce on June 17, 2012 at 3:35pm -
Hugs Carolynne, we are all reaching out to you!!!
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Comment by janet on June 15, 2012 at 8:13pm -
((((HUGS)))) Carolynne. I have not made it to the one year mark yet and I have to say I am not looking forward to it myself. These first all suck and I dread each one as it comes up. I can only hope that one day I will be the person that my husband would be proud of.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Carolynne.
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on June 15, 2012 at 6:17pm -
Wow Carolynne, i get that feeling. I found out a week ago my car needed a bunch of work. Sent me into a deep depression and angry, negative place (or angrier i should say). Not that Paul would have been able to fix my car, but he would have been able to let me know that "it would be okay". When we were dating, i left my purse in the driveway and drove off..when I realized it, i was in sheer panic. All the way back to the house ..he kept saying "it will be there when you get back". AND IT WAS! so, after we were married, everytime i panicked over something he would smile and say "your purse will be there when you get back". And i would smile, and not feel so panicky, and no that he was right. I don't seem to be able to do that for myself. Right now, EVERYTHING seems to suck..big time. i am stressed out financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically, and still REALLY PISSED OFF..even when i don't want to be. I'm sure you are right though, I sure hope so. It's hard to keep revisiting the hurting places...but i guess that's just part of the deal...the crappy, crummy deal. Love to you my friend. I'll hang in there if you will.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on June 15, 2012 at 8:32am -
Carolynne, I know you have so much pain inside you, I am thinking about you and we will be here for you at your one year anniversary. Hugs my friend.
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Comment by jean on June 14, 2012 at 12:06pm -
(((Carolynne)))) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on June 14, 2012 at 4:57am
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((((Hugs)))) Carolynne, As you know I just past my one year on May 14th, one thing I can say in I made it and my thought of it was much worst then the day itself. I will say KC's 50th birthday last week put me in bed for 3 days. Honey just love yourself and feel Rod's love still shining down on you, it will give you the strength to continue your climb to the top with Rod beaming with pride knowing how hard each step has been for you.
love you lady and if you need me I'm only an hour away! I mean it I have nothing that holds me.....Lisa
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on June 14, 2012 at 12:46am -
<3 I forgot about that reaching out thing. But I've seen you help so many in the time you've been on WV. That's what's so cool about it. We give it away and it has a ripple effect. I love that about widowed peoples.
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Comment by Suz on June 14, 2012 at 12:19am -
Carolynne,
You let us know but i think your downward spiral will me temporary and then you will spiral up. Just my guess!
Hugs,
Suz
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Comment by carolynne on June 13, 2012 at 10:30pm -
Suzanne...thank you so much for leading me here. I cannot say it enough. I'm so grateful to you for reaching out to me when you're right...the widowed are not inclined to reach out to ANYONE...and thank you for your kind words tonight. I cling to hope, and so appreciate your encouragement. (((suzanne)))
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Comment by Israel Girl (Chris) on June 13, 2012 at 10:28pm -
Thank you for your transparency. My one year was April 16 and it was rough. I'll be praying for you these next few weeks!
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