A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
In 15 days it will be one year. One year since I laid my head on my husband's chest for the last time, slept through the last beat of his heart. One year since I kissed him goodnight, and then woke in the morning and kissed his cold forehead. One year since the last words we said to each other, "I love you".... (well, except for me talking in my sleep saying, Honey roll over, you are snoring.) One year since my world came crashing down around my head.
Except...IT'S STILL CRASHING. Some days it's a silent collapse and I go through the routine - work, homework with Randy, dinner, housework, laundry - and it's just background noise, something I've grown accustomed to. But there are still days when the wrenching apart of my life is DEAFENING, grinding metal and crunching brick and breaking glass. And I rail against it with every fiber of my being, screaming and flailing and pleading with God PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!
And on those Splinter Days, I get the awful notion that this horrible journey is nothing but a giant downward spiral...that those good days are just a mind fuck before you round the corner and start a headlong slide back down again. I had a really good weekend, day at the beach with my gurls, and a 'date' with an old boyfriend, and had a lot of fun and didn't spend too much time dwelling on my reality. Then today I came home to a broken garbage disposal, something my husband in his infinite mechanical ability would normally have fixed, and I LOST MY GRIP ON THE HANDRAIL. And WHEEEEEEE or rather HELLLLLLLPPPPP down we go again.
BUT. I remember reading somewhere...and I'm sure it was either SSLF or WWS or HFW....that it's not really a DOWNWARD spiral...that it's actually an UPWARD spiral...and we circle back to the same places we've already been, but we're really on a HIGHER plane. So I'm clinging desperately to that hope that I'm maybe going BACK but perhaps not DOWN.
I'll let you all know in 16 days, after the anniversary of the loss of the love of my life.
Peace to all of you. xo