JUNE 12 2013 @ 10 am
sentencing date of the drunk driver who killed my husband,Craig
As I walk up to the courthouse, I can barely move forward as knots, tangled and massive knots tied into bigger knots fill my stomach---feeling extremely nausious and it's almost debilitating. Now I start to notice the irritating vibrations from the neurons in my brain pulse throughout my entire body, I have to sit down, drink some water,...it feels as though my entire nervous system may short out at any moment.
Craig's family and friends, my family and myself all prepared a victim impact statement that was to be read infront of the accused on this morning. I checked the little box on the paper indicating that I wanted to read mine out loud.
Feeling as weak as what I did, I knew that reading the statement would be almost impossible, I changed my mind.
After being paged into the courtroom, we were sent back out of the courtroom and asked to wait in the waiting room, as there was a 15 minute delay. the investigating officer was held up somewhere else. I walked back to the waiting room with my best friend and sister when the crown attorney asked me why I wasnt going to read my statement, and I explained to her the mess that I am today, and she asked me to reconsider my choice and that she'd have me read last to give me some extra time considering.
as we are talking in the hallway, the investigating officer arrives, and we are called into court.
I can't describe the dark energy that filled the room as we sat to the right and the accused sat to the left. We all rose for the judge, and then they went over the details of the collision on that tragic sunday morning--almost 2 years ago. These details are burned in my mind and they pain my heart, I can't shake them, they are apart of my life. I am sitting beside my husband's mother and father and we are all sick to our stomaches...I can actually hear my MIL's churning inside of her.
After the painful reminders of Craig's last moments alive, our statements are read...
first Craig's mothers, then fathers, then brothers, then best friend, then my parents, then my sisters, and throughout them all, we are crying, sobbing, shuttering and shaking... and my name is called. The judge is looking at me, the victim witness personelle, and the crown,... and with tears flooding my eyes, and messy makeup staining my face, I agree to read it aloud. I still do not know how I gathered the strength...but I remember saying in my mind "I got your back Craig, just as I always did"... and sat there, on the stand, and read it. I took breaks for breaths, as the tears needed to subside here, and looked at the judge, and the people in the court room and I said what I had to say and I stepped away.
This was hard, but I did it.
I only looked at the accused once, and it was only for a second before I had to look away, but people told me afterward that he didnt show a lick of remorse until I got up and read. GOOD!
After a full afternoon in that dark, cold courtroom, the judge decided to remand the sentence until July 5th. This f*cking thing is being pushed back and delayed time and time again.... causing more stess on the rest of us.
I spent a few days at Craig's parents, to be a support, to let their grandson warm their heart and ease some of the pain...but I coudn't last the week. I feel worse being in Craig's hometown and being around his depressing mother.
My mother in law cannot move forward! The anxiety and stress that Craig's passing put on her are indeed dibilitating her. she is not motivated, she is sick and depressed...and her health is deteriorating. I want to help, but I cannot. The rest of the family feel the same way and also find it hard to be around her. The energy when around her is weak, vulnerable and sad.
I know first hand that it is not easy to move forward,....but my goodness it HAS to be easier than doing nothing.
I also know that it's not easy to forget the details of Craig's death, but we don't have to let them suffocate us either and even though his death disrupted our lives to the point of feeling ruined, we must remember that we still have a life and that there are other people living and that THEY matter. Life matters. I just wish that she would see that. My mother in law is a breathing dead person...
thanks for listening.
ANOTHER much needed rant of a blog.