Well, they say it gets easier. I wish I knew, if that were true. It’s almost been five months now, and it still doesn’t even seem real. I find my mind wandering, in a fog, just not even functioning at all. I guess if I were to take a poll, people would think that it looks like it’s getting easier, easier than it was 3 months ago at least. Every day, I miss him. Every day, I miss Ericka. I shut my eyes and I imagine them as they were, Ericka in Washington, Rick in his chair. They visit me in my dreams. They look happy and whole. I sometimes feel like Rick is telling me that it’s OK. Then I wake up. I wonder, how could this be OK. It’s more than loneliness, it feels as if a chunk of me is missing. I struggle, as a Christian I should find some joy in knowing that he is at peace, and I do know that he is at peace. And I wouldn’t want him back, not in the pain he was in. I know this is what he wanted, as for Ericka it was so unexpected but at least she went the way she would’ve liked to have gone. I re-live each day towards the end, the last conversation I had with my sister; sort of feels like the movie Groundhog Day over and over and over. I often wonder if there was anything I could’ve done to have changed anything. I love then both so very much. I pray they know how much I loved them. I have much to be thankful for, kids, grandkids and parents. But I feel guilty for not finding more joy.It’s just a struggle every day. I want to just curl up in my bed, turn on the television, shut my eyes, and sleep. It’s so strange, I never was one for television. But it’s hard to concentrate on the book, or project, as my mind starts spinning in circles. At least with the television, I don’t have to think. Well that was enough negative energy for the day. I don’t mean to be negative, I’m just in pain.