Widowed Village

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Eleanor..my muse, tell me again my dear

I ran across a quote yesterday from one of my favorite people..Eleanor. She speaks to me like no other, and for me, her words always ring true. A practical down to earth woman, ridiculed for not being "pretty" or "eloquent" enough to be first lady, she had a quiet unwavering strength that I admire, and wish to possess. Here is the quote that struck me, and gave me hope:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

I love her simplicity - her raw, honest truth. Her choice of words impacts me deeply. "this horror". For to me, that is what this widow experience is..a horror. She must have known something equally as painful to use that word instead of another. Yes, of course she did. Her mother died in 1892 at the age of 8. Two years later, Eleanor became an orphan at the age of 10 with the death of her father. Yes, Eleanor knew the "horror" of losing your whole world, of feeling all alone and awkward, afraid, lonely and full of despair. I know she knew this.
To say out loud, that I might gain strength, courage and confidence from this experience to me seems a far stretch. But is it? If I am to survive, live through it, what else can I possibly gain?  When things go wrong now, sometimes if I'm not throwing a tantrum, on those days when I have a bit more strength in the positive column, I hear myself say "Well, nobody died right?".  That is my measure for catastrophe now.
Death has done that to me. It both makes me vulnerable to, and also numb to, the endless series of life "stuff" that trips me up and twists upside down my view of what "should" happen.
So, after just coming back from the brink of despair I am now feeling like I may be able to survive this. I feel like there may be a future for me yet. These thoughts are fleeting and often are overpowered by longing to see my love's face again, to hear his voice, to feel his hands. Oh such lovely hands.
And so, I keep saying in those moments of aching, longing, pain....tell me again my dear.  Tell me how strong, and confident I will be.  Tell me how this horror I have faced will not keep grip on me forever. Tell me, and tell me again. For I want to believe you, I need to, I must.

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Comment by tanya on September 27, 2012 at 5:46pm

i really needed to "hear" those words for various reasons..Nobody died right?. thanx friend I needed that

Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on September 27, 2012 at 4:30pm

I remember crying on my doctor's shoulder back around the time Bradley died. She was telling me how strong I was, and how much stronger I would become. She said, "someday you will be watching everyone around you losing it over something stupid and you will think, 'this is nothing, I've SEEN what bad is; and this ain't it'." 

it took a few years after he died, but then I started to see it. And you're right, the measuring stick then and still now is: is anyone dead? No? Good, we can deal with this (whatever *this* is).

Comment by carolynne on September 26, 2012 at 11:06pm

Funny, I just came across that same quote myself the other day, and it really resonated with me too. And yes, to  "Well, nobody died right?" Because the the worst has already happened, and everything else matters so much less now...on my better days, anyway. I love this, thank you for sharing. Wishing you peace, as always.

Comment by Lori on September 26, 2012 at 9:55pm

Thank you for sharing this, she was a strong woman

Comment by lovie on September 26, 2012 at 9:02pm

Ali, I have always admired Eleanor Roosevelt. She epitomizes strength and valor. We gain so much when we have role models like her to show us that what we think we CANNOT do, we CAN if we NEVER give up.  And you are right about "Well, nobody died right?" Every other struggle, problem, or challenge is insignificant once death has knocked at our door. Glad that you are seeing some light again. It can flicker often, just do not ever let it go out completely!

Comment by Rebirth.Tanya (Tanya) on September 26, 2012 at 9:00pm
Love this so much- thanks for sharing, and I will tell you- the horror you have faced will not grip you forever...time and change will carry you through...sending love and hugs your way Ali... <3
Comment by Suz on September 26, 2012 at 8:52pm

Oh, Ali,

This is beautiful and heartbreaking. I love the quote from Eleanor...so true. We will make it...we have to. It can only get better.

Big hugs,

Suz

Comment by telechick on September 26, 2012 at 8:32pm

It is odd, isn't it how death changes one? I mean after getting through this, what can't we get through? She was a very wise woman.

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