A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Empty & Meaningless
These are the two words that are screaming in my head this past week. 23 weeks out today and I've gone through (and am going through) the various ranges of emotions. I'm not surprised anymore by them and that helps. I stay busy every evening and weekends (which are the hardest as we all know). I have family, children, grandchildren, friends who invite and include, 3 Boxer babies, a job (although my daycare enrollment is down to almost nothing), home projects, awesome new camera and lenses for improving my photography hobby, etc. etc. blah blah blah. I am trying believe me I am trying. I force myself out of the house to participate in both group activities and individual outings. I get up, get dressed, put make up on, comb hair (sometimes), shop for clothing and shoes, etc. I've even cooked a little here and there. All of this on the exterior appears that I am doing well considering the situation. All the while I feel totally and utterly empty and meaningless. I don't want to be here without my Honey. I want to be dead and gone. I'm not suicidal but I do have a death wish. I am going through the motions and I feel like a shell. I've been (and am going through) the worst thing that could happen to me. My now biggest fear is being like my Mother. She's been a widow 20 years and longs to go but continues to live, takes care of her health, work on her house, participate in an adult daycare facility everyday for the socialization, still drive, shops, mows, weedeats, edges, rakes, bags, her own lawn. She's 82 and doesn't want to be here but is. That is my worst fear in my life. To have 20-30 years of this life. Just venting. Can't say this stuff anywhere else but here. The "others" wouldn't understand;/
Views: 109
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on October 21, 2012 at 8:01am
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bettye isn't it ironic that we try not to make others feel bad by talking about how bad we feel? I'm lucky to have some sensitive understanding people in my life who know me well enough to know that this is devastating to me and always will be because they knew how much Honey & I loved each other. We were the couple that everyone admired for our obvious love for each other no matter who was around. I'm sure we made people sick of it but we couldn't contain our love so it overflowed:)
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Comment by bettye on October 20, 2012 at 9:55pm -
I am so glad to hear someone else feels this way. I am fourteen months out and there are times that I also begin thinking about the number of years ahead of me alone. You are so right about others not understanding this. I've stopped saying too much to others because it makes them uncomfortable.
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Comment by LaurieR on October 19, 2012 at 9:53pm -
I agree the others (sounds like some alien people) LOL.would not understand they would want you to go for councilling. I am 49 years old I could live for 20-40 more years by myself it kind of freaks the hell out of me. Especially since I have become somewhat of a hermit( I go to class and go get groceries ) since my husband died so I think you are doing pretty good that your are going out.
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MrsD that's terrible:( I've always felt bad for the widows with young children for having to buck up and raise their babies during this horrific time but then on the other hand I feel bad for the widows w/ no children at home (I'm one of those) because there is no physical hugs and affection when you're by yourself. Sucks either way:(
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Comment by MrsD on October 19, 2012 at 5:42pm -
The only thing getting me out of bed is my daughter. But it kills me that I am so miserable at this time in her life (she's only three months old) and that I will be miserable for the rest of her life. I hate that she has such a sorrowful mama.
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Oh Lori that's such a fitting statement:)
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Comment by Lori on October 19, 2012 at 5:26pm -
so so sorry, my husband had a saying when he was down, "life, sucks and then you die" i've changed it to "death sucks and then you live" take care
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Lori, I try not to think about living long but my Mom is a constant reminder of what I don't want to be. She was 62 when she was a widow. I'm 52. That gives me at least 10 more years of aloneness than her. 30 years! Oh hell no! But...what choice do I have;/ chez2all for now all I can do is go through the motions. Today a long time friend AGAIN told me that she doesn't know how I do it because if it was her she would have just died;/ I had finally had it with her telling me that and told her that I am tired of her telling me that because the only option I have to die is to commit suicide and I'm not going to do that, that life is pulling me along and when my body gets hungry I eat and when I get thirsty I drink, that I don't want to be here but I am, I have bills to pay so I work and until she has lost the love of her life and her soul mate that she does not know what she's talking about. She apologized and said I was right and that she just doesn't know what to say so she says stupid stuff. I told her to just say it sucks and leave it at that. 23 weeks I've been hearing that shit from her;/
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Comment by chez2all on October 19, 2012 at 4:59pm -
Going through the motions is at least a start...my wish for you is that one day you realize you have built yourself a life that you ENJOY and take pleasure in. That life takes time to develop, step by step, moment by moment.
You have come a long way in the short time since Honey's passing and grief has it's own timeframe. I'm keeping busy, seeing friends and family, all those things you have been doing so have I...it would be so much better to be doing them with my husband, but it is what it is...and I find I throw myself into this life to make it a life I can live with and most of the time I can enjoy.
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Comment by Lori on October 19, 2012 at 4:54pm
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understand have felt that way myself, i'm coping by not thinking about living long, which is crazy but it fits me well right now. take care
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