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Expert Advice---or Not
I woke up this morning before the rooster crowed---assuming I had a rooster which I don’t---and I started reading articles on grief. The first thing I learned in one titled Emotional Jet Lag is that grief is like "having your brain filled up with three quarts of molasses” and grieving people shouldn’t use power tools. Damn, I’ll have to put off buying that new circular saw I’ve been lusting after since Don’s death.
Then I read an article titled I’m Fine and Other Lies. That one covered a survey that was conducted where it was found that no one likes being lied to and that everyone lies about their feelings. Widowed people, it concluded, are the worst liars of all. Can you see me raising my hand? Yup, I’m guilty of the “I’m fine” lie and if my brain wasn’t filled up with so much molasses I might be able to explain why the article ruled that telling the “I’m fine” lie is such a bad thing.
Moving on to a piece titled Emotional CPR, the article writer talked about how we wouldn’t tell a person having a heart attack that we’ll be back to help after we go to the bookstore and read up on how to do CPR. “Oh, great,” I thought, as I read along, “all these articles I’m reading on grief should have been read months ago, before Don’s passing.” And all my friends and family---well, the whole damn world!---should have read all these articles in advance of anyone dying in our circle of human contacts so we’d all know how to deal with molasses damaged brains.
Next I read an article titled You Can’t out Run Your Heart. It talked about some old prize fighter who coined the iconic phrase, ‘you can run, but you can’t hide.’ The whole point of the article was that the only way out of the circle of grief pain is to keep moving through it. Frankly, that author could have saved himself a lot of time if he would have just regurgitated that famous quote of Winston Churchill’s---If you’re going through hell, keep going---because that was the bottom line of the entire, too-wordy piece.
Since it took me several weeks before I had my first cry after Don’s death---and now I can’t seem to get through a day without a few tears---I was next drawn to read an article titled If I start Crying will I be Able to Stop? It talked about how we are programmed as children not to show our emotions with commonly used parenting phrases like: “Go to your room if you’re going to cry” and “knock off the crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” I actually DO remember my mom saying both those things to me! So once again we get to blame the mothers of the world for all the ills of the world, even for the misguided way we grieve as adults.
And last but not the least was an article that talked about how cleaver the author was in creating “some helpful language” that he has since used thousands of times to help grieving people. This helpful language was and I quote: “A relationship should leave a legacy of love, not a monument to misery.” I don’t know, maybe it’s that three quarts of molasses in my brain that is getting in the way of me seeing the value of that platitude. Check back with me in a year when my emotional jet lag has lifted and I can better process that sentence. All I know, now, is I’m glad I didn’t pay that grief counselor a lot of money to see him beaming with pride when he spat those words out of his silly little mouth. After all, timing is everything and I’m obviously not ready for his brand of expert advice. ©
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Comment by Blue Snow on March 25, 2012 at 12:11pm -
Thank you all for the great comments. Dark humor seems to be finding me everywhere I go.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on March 24, 2012 at 11:47am -
I have always been the type of person to come back with something quippy when people ask how I am. Now, they seem to think I'm still doing that. A few weeks ago when someone threw out the standard "How are you?" I replied sarcastically "An emotional basketcase." And they laughed. I didn't mean it to be funny, but I suppose that's what happens when you have always been that way, people tend to think you are still joking. I'll chalk it up to the dark widow humor!
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Comment by topwag (Becky) on March 24, 2012 at 8:25am -
Great and funny....BUT, oh so true! The dark humor that only widows know about. Keep writing!!
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Comment by jimswife33 (Michelle) on March 24, 2012 at 4:41am -
Well I agree with the lying part, I don't think most people really want to hear the truth. Plus if you tell the truth, they tend to belong on that video, stupid shit people say to widows. The molasses sounds right to, I do feel like I cant think well, and I don't get that statement either. I have been reading some books on greiving and they have been about as helpful as the articles you found. You guys are more helpful!
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on March 23, 2012 at 11:59pm
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OMG........Blue, Thank you....Thank you....Thank you. That's the first real laugh I've had in I don't know how long! I don't know how you come up with some of the things you do, but I hope you never stop! Your right on the money with all of it.
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Comment by Mariposa on March 23, 2012 at 5:34pm -
Yes, you hit multiple targets. I started to say "I'm fine" by the second month after my husband's death because so many truly do not want the truth. It has only been three months since my husband of nearly 21 years died, yet I feel the expectation that I am supposed to be "over it". I use the phrase "emotional neanderthal" when referring to certain individuals that I am related to.
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Comment by Marsha on March 23, 2012 at 4:41pm -
Loved this! Yes us widows lie! Yes we tell people we're fine! Why? Because of the God awful advice we are given! I'm 14 months out and must still have molasses on the brain. Don't get the quote either! Oh well....
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Comment by jean on March 23, 2012 at 12:11pm -
oh boy, I can relate to all of this! The first year, for me, was the worst so far! Nothing really helped me but time and just allowing myself to be sad and grieve. Hugs and prayers to you and everyone traveling this journey, it is a long haul.
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