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Family.... Either you're thick or thin

Family. 

Hardest part of this new journey for me is family.

I still don't know what to do with them. Couple of them. Any of them. All of them.

I want them to leave me alone, but not too alone.

Just go away, but not too far away.

Please stop asking, but don't stop asking.

I know what they want from me, but I don't want to give it to them, but I really should just let them all have it!

I'm so tired of the fighting.  I'm so tired that I comfort them right now.  I'm used up. Wishing Toby was here to calm the waters.  Smooth it all over.  Bring back the voice of reason we are all missing right now.

 I know you want to huddle around me, have me move on, have me meet new people, but I can't breathe. I can't BREATHE. He was the only one who knew how to handle me. Talk to me. Walk me through my anxiety.  I can't BREATHE! Go away you can't help.  

It is me.  I'm flawed. I have demons. Somedays I can't handle my reality.  

I shut down. Shut out. Close the door. Turn off the lights.  It's finally quiet. I close my eyes. I start to breath again. I can see him in my head.  I feel him brushing his fingers down my face, "shhhhh, just breathe babe.  Just breathe".

 

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Comment by IndiaKai on March 19, 2014 at 10:24am

I actually wrote this in September, 3 months after my husband passed away, but finally shared it last month. It's gotten a little better now that I am farther down the road.  Had to learn to let some crap go....  Still have the moments that I can't breathe. Family still hurts me at times, but most of it I've had to let go and move past.  Hardest thing to do.... let it go.

Comment by Bruja on March 18, 2014 at 4:09pm
Indiakai this is how I'm feeling with everyone right now. I didn't think it was possible to express such feelings with words and so beautifully written. Thanks for sharing
Comment by Mstexan on February 25, 2014 at 9:47am

IndiaKai, you are not alone in those feelings. I had those too, especially at the beginning (and even now, as I approach my 4th year in April).  Take things in your own time... and breathe. (((hugs)))

Cathy

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