A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Focusing On My Grief
I have lost a lot of people I love. Each one of their deaths affected me in a different way.
When my dad died, once the funeral was over it wasn't talked about. It was over and done with. Because of this it took me a very long time to deal with it. I do blame part of my screwed up teen years on it. Looking back now I feel like I wasn't allowed the grieving process.
I was very angry for a very long time. Not just at my dad for leaving, but at everyone around me. I felt like he no longer mattered because he wasn't there.
When Patrick died I refused to do that to my kids. I make sure they know that he is and always will be a part of our lives. That talking about him is a good thing. Its ok to miss him, its ok to be sad, its ok to cry, and its ok not to be strong.
One thing I've done with my kids is when they get sad I have them give me 3 reasons why they are sad and 5 good memories of Patrick.
The other day I was really upset and Jazzy did this with me. I was amazed at how much better I felt and I found myself laughing at some of the memories.
Its only been 6 months since Patrick died. I've been told by people, even other widows, that I shouldn't be over my grief. That I need to believe that it was his time and find peace in that.
I can't and won't. We all have our own beliefs, our own way of grieving. What works for one, might not work for another.
This is my grief. This is my journey. I'm doing what works best for me and for my kids. Focusing in my grief, learning from it, and sharing it with my kids helps us. This isn't something I can or will sweep under the rug.
Its my grief, and I'm so sick of people telling me how I'm supposed to feel, act, or what I'm supposed to believe.
Maybe I'll change my mind in 6 months, or a year. I don't know.
Views: 61
Comment
-
Comment by MrsD on October 30, 2012 at 12:10pm -
I think some people think I'm just really sad. Like every day I should be less sad, until I'm only sad once in a while. It's so much more than that. I am completely obliterated. I feel like there's nothing left. It's like expecting someone who's lost their legs to be able to get up and walk across the room. I can't rebuild because there's nothing to build on, no foundation. And I want to talk about Dan all the time because he's all I can think about. But it makes people uncomfortable.
-
Comment by Suz on October 24, 2012 at 3:57pm -
Sam,
I so love what you say. It is always from the heart and direct. As this is not always a strength of mind (directness) I value what you say so much.
I lost my Mom at eighteen, Sam, and it was the same in my house. My dad threw out all of her pictures and all of the journals she had kept and insisted we not say her name. "Let the dead be dead" was spoken all the time. I remember my little brother (aged ten) coming to me a month later and telling me he was afraid everyone had forgotten this. (Interestingly, he doesn't remember this but it was one of the most profound things I remember from that journey).
Because of that experience, I am also insistent that people not forget Jud. I can talk about him easily with my only daughter (grown) but I also insist on the same thing from people who were good friends. I do not want him forgotten and I bring him up in all kinds of conversations. Sometimes it is to the point that I wonder if I still think he is here on this earth but I really don't think that when I closely evaluate it. I know that he is so much a part of me that I have to mention him...he is just part of my thought process and a big part of my own heart and soul. I must admit I get kind kind of an evil delight in mentioning him and talking about him and making people a little uncomfortable. I just won't let him be forgotten. It is interesting the variations in how people will talk about him and I have some newly treasured people who knew him well, and me not as well, and will talk about him very freely and opening.
This is our journey and we DO need to do what is best for us. What is best for me is to acknowledge that this kind, funny, loving person existed and still has a place here.
Thanks, Sam, for sharing so honestly of yourself!
Hugs,
Suz
-
Comment by janet on October 23, 2012 at 9:50am -
Hugs Sam. Yes it is our journey. We are all individuals and grieve differently, in our own way and our own time. No was has the right to tell you how to grieve or when we should be over it. There is no getting over it. We just learn to work through it and the process of grief.
I am glad you are keeping Patrick's spirit alive and sharing the memories with your children. It is a good thing and I like your 3 reasons for being sad and 5 good memories. I think I will incorporate that in my grief process and share it with my son.
Hugs to you sweet lady. Wishing you Peace and hope...
Janet
-
Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on October 23, 2012 at 8:42am -
Yes Sam, it is ours, and ours to walk the way we choose. It is interesting that people think they can "direct" you into feeling better about losing your husband. Grief is not something that can be "cured" by a thought or an attitude, no, it is a "process" and you are correct - sweeping it under the rug is not the answer. Facing our grief means facing ourselves and evolving. Thanks you so much for sharing the 3 reasons and 5 memories technique - I love it and think I will try that sometime.
-
Comment by Sherbear on October 23, 2012 at 12:19am
-
I've found there is so much more to grief than I ever expected. When I allow myself to feel the full impact of where ever the grief takes me and allow myself to linger and not run for the hills,I tend to discover things about myself I've not ever really known. Things I might want to change, or things that I actually can attribute to my husband, strenghts and weaknesses that I didn't know I had. A new way of looking at life, a "new normal" and learning how that feels.
I'm convinced people will never understand the full affect of grief until they themselves have experienced it.
So, here you have complete liberty to walk this journey of grief in a dignified way, learning from it things one may not ever learn any other way. That's been my experience so far.
I might change my tune in another 6 months, and that's the beauty, if you will, of allowing grief to take you on a journey.
This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people
Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.
Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.
We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."
HOT TOPICS!
© 2013 Created by Supa Dupa Fresh.
You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!
Join Widowed Village