For Courage

The blessing at the bottom is not my work, but  is the writing of someone whose work I really cherish. I ran across it when I was thinking of all that needed to be done on my house when Jud died.  I am now almost five months out and during this time, have completed (no, I didn't do the work with my own hands but I did plan, choose, select the worker, overlook the work, manage my budget and pay the workers) five major house projects. I was terrified.  I have never managed a house project in my life. That was Jud's work.

My last two projects will be a small amount of landscaping and buying all new appliances (every one in this house is thirty years old or more). I plan on moving into a condominium in the next five years and had a realtor go through the house with me to decide what needed to be done in order to sell this house. There was a lot to be done. We had really let things go. 

I am writing this not to brag (well, maybe a little) but to say that this has been one of the hidden gifts of being a widow. I would have never thought myself capable of doing this in my life "Before." Like most of us here, I also completed the many pieces of paper work that were necessary when Jud died. I never thought myself capable of that in my life "Before." I have done all of this mostly by myself, but I was not afraid to ask for help when I needed it. I am proud that i was able to do these things, especially at this difficult time, but I am especially proud that, somewhere, deep inside myself, I found the courage to do it. 

This blessing is by John O'Donahue, whose words always inspire me and is entitled...

For Courage

When the light around you lessens
And your thoughts darken until
Your body feels fear turn
Cold as a stone inside

When you find yourself bereft
Of any belief in yourself
And all you unknowingly
Leaned on has fallen

When one voice commands
Your whole heart,
And it is raven dark,

Steady yourself and see
That is is your own thinking
That darkens your world

Search and you will find
A diamond-thought of light,

Know that you are not alone
And that this darkness has purpose
Gradually it will school your eyes
To find the one gift your life requires
Hidden within this night-corner.

Invoke the learning
Of every suffering
You have suffered.

Close your eyes
Gather all the kindling
About your heart
To create one spark.
That is all you need
To nourish the flame
That will cleanse the dark
Of its weight of festered fear.

A new confidence will come alive
To urge you towards higher ground
Where your imagination
Will learn to engage difficulty
As its most rewarding threshold!

I am wishing for all of us, the blessing of courage.