Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

For my family and friends

I'm normally a very private person, but feel I need to share this. The whispers behind my back, and questions of "are you ok?" to which i have wanted to scream "NO, I AM NOT OK!!!" have pretty much stopped now. Like I am expected to suddenly be fine again, back to normal. But I am no longer the same person, and can never go back to "normal". It's been almost 6 months now, I feel so alone. Even with being around others, I still feel alone. For the most part family and friends have stopped checking in on me, returning to their daily lives, forgetting it seems. Well, just know I can't ever return to my life. The man I was supposed to grow old with is gone, and I am left alone. He will ALWAYS be a part of my life, and I will ALWAYS love him. Some of my widow friends have been able to find love again, but they still grieve for what they have lost, and never forget. Understand that it is painfull for me to hear you talk of the future with your loved one, when I no longer have one. It is very hard to think too far into the future, when it is so uncertain for me. I have been told "you can do whatever you want to now", I guess in a way that may be true, but the problem is I have no idea what I want. What I want I can no longer have. I was happy living his dream, now I no longer have one to follow. Understand that I want and need to talk about him. It does not make me upset if you say his name or ask me about him, it makes me upset if you don't. He is always on my mind. ALWAYS. I do not want to forget. I already have trouble remembering the sound of his voice, his laugh...I do not want to pretend he was never in my life, I want to remember, to honor him. I feel like I am the only one who remembers he is gone sometimes, and that makes me so sad. Some of you may think you can relate to what I am going through, because you have lost someone special to you, but you don't know, you don't know what it is like unless you have lost the love of your life. I would not wish this on anyone, never take each other for granted. NEVER! In just a few seconds, your whole world can come crashing down around you. I share this with all of you, not for your pitty, or for your sympathy, but for your understanding.

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Comment by Sunflower37 on September 20, 2012 at 11:31pm

Hi Paula, thank you so much for this post... I was surprised that people just went back to their lives too, even my family. I like that you wrote this "Understand that I want and need to talk about him". It always seemed to make my family and some friends uncomfortable when I would mention my Sweetie, Kevin ... so annoying. I wish you well on this journey.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on September 18, 2012 at 7:51pm

Understand...understand..understand. So incredibly alone...understand.

Comment by Episcopalian on September 18, 2012 at 4:23pm

Amen,  it makes me cry when I read this. 

Comment by Barbie Doll on September 18, 2012 at 1:45am

Paula, thank you.  As others have said, I could have written this too.  Nine months out and I Am Not OK either!!!  I too was living the life with the man I loved and NEVER expected he would go before me.  I miss him every minute of every day.  I wonder if I will ever stop thinking of him Every single Moment of Every Single Day??  I still lay down in bed at night and just beg him to please come and just hug me so I can go to sleep!  I just want him to hug me again:)   I now understand how people die of broken hearts.

Comment by AlanRRT on September 17, 2012 at 11:59pm

Very well put, Paula.  I especially understand the "now you can do what you want" line.  I WAS doing what I wanted: sharing my life with the one I love, and now she's gone.  Wishing you some peace on this miserable journey me dear friend.

Comment by Joyce on September 17, 2012 at 8:32pm

Paula:  You put into words how most of us feel, thanks for writing this

Comment by edswife(Paula) on September 17, 2012 at 7:46pm
Thanks for the support everyone, this was a tough one to share.
Comment by Lori on September 17, 2012 at 3:36pm

thank you, wow!

Comment by bramky on September 17, 2012 at 2:12pm

My exact thoughts.  Unless someone has lost a loved one (spouse), NOBODY knows what it's like. It is the greatest pain anyone can feel.  I am TRYING to take it one second/minute/hour/day at a time, and I know it will be a LONG journey ahead to redefine the "new" me.  Sorry we are a part of this shitty club, but only WE understand.

Comment by SylviaMari3 on September 17, 2012 at 2:03pm

Bravo (((Paula)))! Very well said. Being widowed for nine years now your thoughts jarred my memories ... still don't think "I'm OK" .... if I was I wouldn't have stumbled upon this site yesterday after googling "widowhood". The first few years were extremely hard. I still miss him so much but now I can actually laugh when I think of the great memories we shared together instead of cry. Laugh because I focus on how blessed I am to have had him in my life instead of focusing on what I am missing. And talking about him keeps his memory alive and that makes me feel great. Journaling really helped me in the beginning and I still continue journaling today. I agree with Susan Bs comments. You have to surround yourself with loving understanding people (and also be kind and love yourself).  Joining this site was a great start for you because we all share in the same pain.  Now you need to figure out what Paula loves  so you can set dreams for yourself and live them ... 

sending you love and hugs .....

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