I'm normally a very private person, but feel I need to share this. The whispers behind my back, and questions of "are you ok?" to which i have wanted to scream "NO, I AM NOT OK!!!" have pretty much stopped now. Like I am expected to suddenly be fine again, back to normal. But I am no longer the same person, and can never go back to "normal". It's been almost 6 months now, I feel so alone. Even with being around others, I still feel alone. For the most part family and friends have stopped checking in on me, returning to their daily lives, forgetting it seems. Well, just know I can't ever return to my life. The man I was supposed to grow old with is gone, and I am left alone. He will ALWAYS be a part of my life, and I will ALWAYS love him. Some of my widow friends have been able to find love again, but they still grieve for what they have lost, and never forget. Understand that it is painfull for me to hear you talk of the future with your loved one, when I no longer have one. It is very hard to think too far into the future, when it is so uncertain for me. I have been told "you can do whatever you want to now", I guess in a way that may be true, but the problem is I have no idea what I want. What I want I can no longer have. I was happy living his dream, now I no longer have one to follow. Understand that I want and need to talk about him. It does not make me upset if you say his name or ask me about him, it makes me upset if you don't. He is always on my mind. ALWAYS. I do not want to forget. I already have trouble remembering the sound of his voice, his laugh...I do not want to pretend he was never in my life, I want to remember, to honor him. I feel like I am the only one who remembers he is gone sometimes, and that makes me so sad. Some of you may think you can relate to what I am going through, because you have lost someone special to you, but you don't know, you don't know what it is like unless you have lost the love of your life. I would not wish this on anyone, never take each other for granted. NEVER! In just a few seconds, your whole world can come crashing down around you. I share this with all of you, not for your pitty, or for your sympathy, but for your understanding.