Forgive me if I seem a bit distracted tomorrow. You see it's my anniversary of sorts...the sort other widowed people know and wish they didn't.
You've been on my mind lately and I knew it was approaching...consciously or unconsciously the mind remembers and has ways of reminding me when I need to slow down and allow the memories to wash over me. I stopped fighting the process a long time ago, it only makes it worse for me I found. So I sit quietly, alone, welcoming whatever memories chose to disclose themselves. Some are happy memories of our travels together, the love we shared...others are an invasion...the hard times, walking on egg-shells around your moods, finding out about your 'other' life after you died, knowing you had left me with nothing.
So the rollercoaster of emotions continues, but the curves and twists are gentler now. I am kinder to myself now than I was when it first happened. I had to be! Then, I hated you for putting me through so much, but now I can even be kinder to you. You were trying to start fresh, you loved me and you wanted to make me happy. And in the end you released me as much as you released yourself from your pain.
My day tomorrow is full, but I know those memories will steal into my thoughts and you will be with me once again, as you are while I write this blog.
Four years since I had to walk on egg-shells. Four years since I lost you. Four years since you chose to leave this earth. Four years since I found you there...lifeless, broken.
That day is forever burned into my mind and all memories of you are intertwined with it and I worry I may never be able to experience peace when I remember our life together. Right now I am ok with a peace of sorts - knowing the life we lived is behind me now and I am building a new life for myself - of my choosing.
I hope you are at peace, wherever you are. I hope you have been able to find the answers to life's great questions and I hope more than anything that your spirit is happy.