I recently joined two meet up groups near me. I struggle with the amount of time to devote to this. My time is valuable and once spent I cannot get it back. So, I have to really work on being people’s friends. It reminds me of my children’s sports teams. If you show up and interact with people there you have a chance of befriending at least one person who you might get together with outside of the sports and separate from your children. However a majority of the adults there could care less to work so hard at expanding their circle of friends.
i could join a sports team of adults but that would require me to actually be in much better shape than I am, and let’s face it this old body just ain’t what she used to be regardless of the extra pounds. But I haven’t given up on the idea of killing two birds with one stone sort of speak by participating in something that would actually help me accomplish a personal goal as well as possibly developing new friendships. That seems to me to be a good return on investment of my time.
But then there is that nagging insatiable desire to connect with at least one other human being and be fully known and accepted just as I am. Someone I can cuddle up next to and not be judged. Just be loved. To know and be known.
Except how am I supposed to get to the deeper intimacy if I cannot even relate to those in the meet up group because I am not retired and may never be. Because I haven’t made enough money to travel or own multiple properties? It seems a bit like a middle school kid trying to hangout with the students in the graduate senior class. It’s tough enough being the youngest of seven in my own family let alone a group of strangers. You would think by my age I would have figured out how to deal with such huge age differences. But I haven’t.
I starved myself of all intimacy for a period of time in order to shut down my labido in order to make dealing with grief and a ton of other emotions easier. But I have had to let down my guard in order to make friends and be open to the possibility of a new relationship which unfortunately has reawakened the labido. Which makes it extremely difficult not to be weak and go to far to selfishly satisfy my personal desire but it sacrifices true intimacy and a long term stable relationship and doesn’t make me any better than the sluts that put out and are not wanting a real relationship. What do you do to help you avoid making those mistakes?