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Photo courtesy of Stuart Miles at

Photo courtesy of Stuart Miles at

I swear, I’m not fit for human interaction right now.

It’s been slowly building all week. Things are sneaking up on me. I lack focus. I’m edgy.

For the first time in months, I took a nerve pill this week. Something I’ve tried hard not to do, but the panic attacks have been so bad I’ve felt like I was having an asthma attack.

I know exactly what it is: Tom’s 40th birthday (or what would’ve been) is nearly here. Just another one of those milestone dates.

A couple weeks ago I decided, “Hey, let’s have a big blowout” at a friend’s restaurant. That was planned for today (Saturday). But, I got a look at my schedule earlier this week and realized, working until 1 a.m. the day before the party wasn’t going to make me real pleasant for said party.

So, I canceled it, and a very good friend said, “Why don’t we just grab a beer on his birthday?”

FANTASTIC. So, I planned it for Monday (his birthday) and I got a bunch of people to commit to going.

And, Friday at work, I was forced to actually look at next week’s schedule and saw that I was slated to work second shift Monday. DAMN!

I texted the guy who was on days and he said he wouldn’t switch shifts.

And, I.HAD.A.MELTDOWN. I mean huge, sustained sobs accompanied by waterworks that would’ve put Niagara Falls to shame.

Falls of Niagara from Below

Falls of Niagara from Below (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Before the full-on attack came on, I called another cohort. Left him a voicemail saying I was emailing him. And, I emailed him my dilemma. He’s typically off on Monday (and the boss is on vacation, thus my turn at the night shift Monday). However, he was kind enough to say he’d take Monday if I’d take Friday. Done and done! It’s a big ol’ win-win for each of us.

Now, I get a three-day weekend this long, lonely miserable weekend where I’m missing the hell out of Tom if for no specific reason than it’s his birthday weekend. And, the guy filling in for me gets a three-day weekend next weekend.

The three-day is much needed for me. I came so close to losing my temper with someone at work tonight that I took quite a few walks to try to shake it off.

So, I’m going into hiding this weekend. I was supposed to go to a graduation party later today, but I’m not gonna. I’ll be lucky to get grocery shopping done (but I have to do that) and I’m going to clean my apartment (I know I keep sayng it, but I’ve reached a point where it’s time for action and I have enough pent up frustration to get it done).

If you know me and can’t get me on the phone or to the door this weekend, that’s why. I just don’t feel like people deserve to be subjected to me.

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Comment by smit09 on June 17, 2013 at 5:20pm

totally get you girl.

hide away, do what you have to do... it's all part of the healing process. 

there are many times that I just don't think anyone should be around me, it's not healthy for them nor me, nor anyone... lol

Happy birthday to Tom. Peace and healing to TOMSgirl!

Comment by Mariposa on June 17, 2013 at 3:43pm

I have been there and I have done it, and yes, I have had to do it time and again. I think of it as "cocooning." We recognize that we need to withdraw from the demands of interacting.  I feel like I am doing this to a certain degree right now. Hang in there. Hugs!

Comment by Patience on June 17, 2013 at 2:04pm

I'm with you "in hiding"  in spirit.  



Comment by Suz on June 15, 2013 at 8:33pm

Tomsgirl. Been there. Totally support you going into hiding, doing whatever will help in this situation.If you get to Monday and it seems like too much, call it off. You get to decide the rules this time!



Comment by Joyce on June 15, 2013 at 6:39am

Hi Tomsgirl, sometimes that's exactly what we need to do go into hiding.  Hugs to you from another Tomsgirl.

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